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The Art of Trusting

     It was a typical day inside the University lobby as the students busied themselves, going from one direction to another. Various forms of animated conversations filled the place, some scurried away to talk to their Professors while others were just content to sit on the porch outside the lobby and observe the passersby. But this scene were oblivious to the impatient girl standing in front of the lobby.

     She crossed and uncrossed her arms while straining her neck to look outside the building. A deep frown etched on her forehead as she rhythmically tap her right foot on the pavement, waiting expectantly for her guest interviewee. She, then, glanced at her watch and grimaced, it’s already quarter to nine, she sighed miserably and craned her neck once more, hoping that person will emerge.

     I knew it! There goes my thesis….Dear Lord, please let her come. I really need it. She pleadingly prayed in silence.

     “Danah! Danah!”

     “Huh?” She turned her head and nodded dryly. “Keith.”

“Hi, Danah! What’s up?” Keith asked, so glad to see her. ” Are you waiting for someone? Or are you waiting for me?” Keith asked with a teasing smirk on his face.
    
     Danah rolled her eyes upward and opened her mouth to put Keith on his place when he suddenly grabbed her shoulders and turned her around at the same time inspecting her up and down with his eyes.

     “What do you think you’re doing?!” She cried indignantly as she righted herself, a little bit dizzy and wretched his hands off her shoulders.

     “Oh, I was just looking for your smile,” Tongue in cheek as Keith tried not to laugh. “Maybe, it’s hidden somewhere. Is it inside your  pocket? Tell me, Danah! Don’t keep me in suspense,” Keith persisted with feigned innocence as he continue teasing her, his twinkling eyes giving him away.

     “Keith, will you please get lost, okay? Just get lost!” She gritted her teeth in annoyance, glaring at him.

     “Tsk, tsk…..” He shook his head. “Pity, the lady really woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” And raised his hands in surrender as Dannah squirmed in frustration.
 
     “Okay, okay, you win. I’ll go now,” He leaned forward and whispered to her. “But if you ever miss me and I’m sure you will, don’t hesitate to call me, okay?” He winked at her and walk away smugly while whistling and gave a high-five to one of their classmate.

     Dannah just closed her fist to fight the urge to throw something at his retreating back and stormed out of the building.

     Drat that man! I totally hate him! What a conceited, insufferable…..She took a deep breath to control her negative emotion. Forget him, Dannah, just forget him!  He’s not worth your time and you still got a lot of problems to think about. She pushed the image of Keith out of her mind and sat on the bench outside the  building. She instead diverted her attention to her thesis requirement and pondered on it.

     I still need to interview five more people for the completion of my thesis and it should be completed this coming Feb 15, two weeks from now and of course, there’s still the written exams that I have to face and not to mention, the practical exams that i still need to go through. She groaned and covered her face with her hands in dismayed. Oh gosh! I don’t think I can make it. What if I didn’t graduate this coming March? What will my parents say? They’re counting on me.

     She got up slowly with drooping shoulders, climbing the stairs towards the entrance of the building with a heavy heart and a long face.

     “Danah! Wait!” Keith catches up with her as she continue to walk, ignoring his call. He grabbed her wrist to stop her and smiled, showing his dimples on both cheeks. “See this?” He spread his thesis in front of her. “I’ve already finished my requirements. Isn’t that great!” He informed her excitedly.

   Danah put her hands on her hips and looked at Keith disgustedly. “Well, I don’t care! To tell you frankly, I don’t give a damn! And please, don’t be too smug about it because that’s the only thing you’ve accomplished so far!” She turned her back and resume walking in angry strides. She faltered and stopped on her tracks when a hand grabbed her wrist with a deathly grip, twisting it upward until she face him

     “Don’t you know what’s wrong with you?!” Keith snapped at her, his face a beet red with indignation, gone were the humor that gave out a cry of alarm from Danah. “You thought you know everything, that no one can surpass you. I know you’re intelligent but you just can’t accept the fact that someone beat you this time. And to tell you frankly, Miss high and mighty, I could see through you. Behind that facade of being miss-know-it-all, you’re scared. Your afraid to fail. Why don’t you admit for once in your life that you also need somebody to help you. That you also have a need to lean on a friend. No one lives in this world alone, not even you!” Keith growled and glared at her but slowly released Danah’s wrist when he saw the tears forming at the corner of her eyes.

     His angry demeanor suddenly vanished, replaced by concern on her behalf and regrets. ” I’m sorry, Danah, I didn’t mean to do it. I….”

     “No, Keith, you don’t have to apologize. I deserve it for insulting you and besides, you’re right, I’m losing control of myself like it’s not me anymore.” Danah said, panicked in her eyes. “I’ve never felt this way before, so insecure, doubting God and I’m afraid my fears were eating me alive. I don’t know how to cope up with it. My confidence seems to be just an imagination and my fears is the reality. I hated myself for being so weak.”

     “No, don’t ever think that you’re weak, Danah. It’s a natural human emotion, needing someone. We all go through it, human as we are, that sense of belongingness, of connecting in order for us to realize that we are not alone in this world. Look at me Danah…..” She raised her eyes to Keith’s face as he put his hands on her shoulders. ” I’m here, your friend. You might find me always goofing around, no cares in this world but I do care. I want to help you. I want to be part of your world. Let’s do this together….with God’s help, we will graduate, okay?” He smiled reassuringly, took off her right hand from her shoulder and opened up his palm toward her. Danah took it, savoring the warmth and strength that his hand offered. She smiled back, trusting him.

     Danah scanned the crowd, catching Keith’s eyes. He then winked and mouth the word ” Congratulations.” She winked back, smiled her thanks and started to climb the stairs on the stage as her name were being called to receive her diploma.

Fin

From a friend in need of support, no one need hide in shame.

Sirach 22:25

Deceiving Love

Kate cringed when she heard the slam of the door and her whole being felt the tremor that enveloped her completely and turned her knees into jelly. Inside, Kate is a frozen ball of pain that hurts to the very marrow of her bone. Then the tears that’s been welled inside her eyes burst out from the dam of her lashes and rushed one by one on her face. She crumpled on the bed and bawled in earnest, cradling her face with her hands while shaking the lumpy bed with her sobs.

     After a while, her crying at last began to abate into silent, sobbing breaths that leave her feeling so drained like a drowned kitten. Then she sat up and wiped her wet cheeks with the back of her hands.

     Kate stared through the walls of their room, seeing it for the first time as a prison cell that will swallow her whole and trap her forever. For in this room crystallized the most cherished treasure in her life but this very same room shattered it into pieces with just a snap of a finger….

     Joann and Kate met when the latter transferred to the boardinghouse where Joann lived. They became roommates as well as classmates in the University. Until then, they became inseparable even though their personalities differs a lot. Joann is petite, shy and an introvert while Kate is tall, beautiful and outgoing. But despite all these differences, they still had enormous fun together.

     Kate has always been the center of attention because of her captivating looks that leave Joann a role of being in the background. Kate’s popularity soared higher when she coveted the crown as “Miss University 2014” and in all the term of her success, Joann was always behind her to boost and supported Kate in her endeavor. Other students especially men coined Kate “The Beauty” while Joann “The Wallflower.” But this criticisms didn’t bother them one bit because of their undying friendship…..until Lloyd entered the picture.

     Lloyd is the guy that Joann fell in love with. He’s the Editor-in-Chief of their University quarterly publication, where Joann is also the Literary Editor. They both had a passion for literary works and because of this common ground, they fell in love. From then on, the two some became a trio that started the cooling off of the embers in the hearth of Joann and Kate’s friendship.

     Lately, Kate started to act strangely whenever Lloyd is around, so speculations begin to circulate in the air. People begin to wonder if Kate is also in love with Lloyd since she avoided being with them when Lloyd is in the vicinity. She even turned down all her suitors and because of this the rumors continue to flourish. But Joann and even, Lloyd just shrugged it off and regarded it as a silly notion, never questioning Kate’s unusual behavior because of her trust with her best friend.

     This afternoon, while Joann is cleaning their room, she saw a torn piece of paper lying on the floor beneath Kate’s study table. She picked it up in order to insert it in Kate’s notebook when something caught her eye and read the content of the paper.

     Suddenly, the door opened and Kate strolled in but stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Joann’s expression. Kate shifted her gaze to the paper Joann was holding and recognition dawned on her. She suddenly turned pale and raised startled eyes to Joann’s murderous face.

     “Jo, you don’t understand……”

     “No, Kate! I understand so well!” Kate cringed when Joann shouted.

     “This is the proof that all the rumors were true after all!”

     “No, its not……” Kate swallowed hard and shook her head to dissuade Joann’s accusation.

     “C’mon, Kate. Don’t lie to me! Then what do you think is the meaning of this sweet love letters of yours…..!

Of Lloyd.
      I guess, I fell in love with you from the very first time that we met but I didn’t know it at that time. That is why, I was drawn to your warmth whenever you’re near and it became clearer to me what I felt for you when I found out that you’re falling in love with someone else.
      I know this is all wrong but seeing you both is like a dagger that is continuously piercing my heart, but then, it was already too late for me to pursue what my heart is telling me and I don’t have the courage to tell you what I feel and ruin your happiness.
      I love you so much to take you away from your beloved. I’ve tried really hard to carve out
my heart not to love you but I can’t. I opted instead to love you in silence and ask God’s mercy in my situation.
                                                                     Always,
                                                                      Kate

     Joann crumpled the letter and threw it on the floor. Then, she glared at Kate who anxiously lowered her head.

     “I’m so not believing that this is happening Kate. Now, it is much clearer to me why you’re so uncomfortable whenever Lloyd is around and you seem to dislike him. Its just a facade so that you can keep your little secret of wanting Lloyd for yourself!” Joann spat with so much venom that Kate lifted her head with tears forming around her eyes, threatening to spill out.

     “That’s not true Jo. Please believe me. Gi-g-give me a chance to explain,” She pleadingly asked her with a whispered tremor on her voice.

     “I’m sorry, Kate.” Joann braced her hands in front and step back. “I don’t think I could trust you again. I thought you’re my best friend but now…..I don’t know anymore….” And she walked past her to get out of the room.

     Kate were cut off from her reverie when a crashing wind rattled the shuttered window in their room. She got up and mechanically packed all of her belongings, leaving behind all the fun-filled and painful memories of their friendship together. Moving like a robot devoid of any emotions, she slung her duffel bag on her shoulder and her two suitcases out of the door.

     Rivulet of fresh tears streamed down her face when she turned her head to cast a woeful look at the boardinghouse. Then, she raised her head towards the fading golden orange fingers of the setting sun and started to walk away…..
    
       I’m sorry, Jo, for deceiving you. I let everybody think that I love Lloyd because I don’t want you to find out….. that I love you…..

Fin

A Different Form

     It was already past midnight, the air is chilly, bathed by the full moon’s soft light, illuminating fragments of shadows lurking in every corner of the deserted street. It was strangely quiet broken by echoes of howling dogs from a distance and the eerie whisper of the wind, rustling the leaves of the trees. A lone figure was oblivious by her surroundings as she hurriedly walk on the sidewalk as if being chased by an unknown force. The breeze played with her long hair and on her face etched an impatient frown and her fingers twisted in a frantic gestures.

     Oh my! Why do I have to forget the time? Why do I have to live with my Aunt in this farfetched subdivision? I should’ve been enjoying the party rather than worrying my head off of an alibi to escape my Aunt’s wrath. She cried irritably and walked even faster, almost to a run and suddenly stopped.

     She shuddered as the wind embraced her jeans and shirt-clad figure and realized that she’s standing in front of a vast deserted lot where there stood the skeleton facade of a ruined building. It looked so scary especially the concrete ceiling in which it sagged at the middle as if trying its best to kiss the solid ground beneath. She frowned even more and irritably brushed the scary thought aside, then an idea struck her and before she could make a move, she heard someone called her name.

     ” Ashleigh….”

     It was a faint sound, carried by the breeze from afar. She listened for a while and shrugged her shoulder, thinking it was just her imagination and proceeded to take the short cut through the ruined building when she heard it again, louder this time and nearer.

      ” Ashleigh….”

     She suppressed a shiver and turned her head slowly. “Hello, Ashleigh……”

     Ashleigh blinked her eyes when a man emerged in front of her. She had a glimpsed of his face when it was illuminated by the moon. It is an interesting face, handsome but not too much. It is rather thin for her liking. A smile stretched his lips, showing off his dimples on both cheeks but something is missing somehow and she just can’t pinpoint it at the moment.  She scanned his face and found herself staring at his eyes and sensed rather than saw the sadness that crept out from his soul. Ah! So that’s what was missing, his smile never reached his eyes and found herself pitying him.

     “Who are you?” How did you know my name?” Ashleigh asked curiously.

     “I’m Leo. I know you because I lived not far from here, so, basically, we’re neighbors,” He answered lightly.

     “Oh?” She raised her left eyebrow and looked him up, noticing his gangly stature and found herself smiling back at him. He seemed harmless, she mused. “What are you doing here? Uh…..I mean…..How come you’re still outside and not at at home sleeping? It’s rather late, you know.”

     Leo looked past her as if in deep thought and shrugged his bony shoulder. “I couldn’t sleep……Anyway…..” He looked at her again, “….. our house is just around the corner so, I decided to take a stroll and lighten up my mood.”

     “You know what? You’re kind of weird. I mean, don’t get me wrong here, okay? It’s just that most people wouldn’t dare take a leisurely walk alone on this deserted street especially at past midnight as if it’s a beach front or something ….but….here you are.” She crossed her arms in front and shook her head in wonder, raising her left eyebrow unconsciously.

     Leo smiled mysteriously and suddenly grew sad. “I’m not most people, Ashleigh,” He looked past her again but this time, he stared at the ruined building at her back. Ashleigh felt again that sudden chill that made her shiver literally.

     “C’mon, I’ll walk you home,” she started to protest but Leo grasped her elbow and guided her along the road. It seems like an invisible force propelled her to go along with him and forget her first intention of getting a short cut through the deserted, ruined building. They’ve walked in silence, hearing only their somewhat synchronized breathing, giving him a surreptitious glance from time to time until they reached her Aunt’s house. She then turned to him but froze when Leo leaned his hands lightly on her shoulders. He stared at her seriously. “Don’t waste your life and wait time to run out on you…..just like what I did with mine,” Ashleigh just stared at him dumbfounded. Leo removed his hands and walked away.

     “Leo, wait!” Ashleigh called out to him but he was gone and she just stared into nothingness. She then shrugged her shoulder indifferently, fished out her key to open the wrought iron gate and slowly went inside.

     Weird, that guy is really weird. Oh well, he is out of my concern and shook her head just to clear her puzzlement. She then climbed the tall mango tree that grazed the tiny balcony beside her room on the second floor and prayed that her Aunt will not wake up since her room is on the first floor. Ashleigh got inside her room without disturbing anyone, breathed a sigh of relief and smiled triumphantly. Mission accomplished!

     “Ashleigh! Ashleigh!” She heard someone call her name and felt her shoulder shook.

     “Go away.” She mumbled and turned on her stomach, wanting to sleep some more.

     “C’mon, Leigh! Wake up! I’ve got news for you!” Her shoulder were being shook so hard, she was afraid it will be dislocated from its socket. Ashleigh opened her eyes and drowsily sat up on her bed. She tried to focused on her cousin and rubbed the cobwebs of sleep from her eyes. “What do you want? It’s still early!” She snapped disgruntedly and yawned.

     ” Ah, ah, ah, don’t you dare sleep on me again,” Her cousin Debra glared through her thick spectacle while shaking her right pointer finger at her in a no-no gesture and her left hand resting on her ample hips. “Something horrible happened last night! A guy was found dead and buried underneath the rubble of the ruined building at the deserted lot……” Debra rattled on, excitement coating her voice, not seeing the change on her cousin’s face.

     “Oh my God, it’s Leo!” Ashleigh cried in horror.

      “……Ron came home late last night, around midnight or so and decided to take the short cut through the deserted building. When he was halfway through, the ceiling just collapsed and he was buried alive inside and……”

      Ashleigh didn’t hear the rest of what Debra is saying when he realized it wasn’t Leo who were dead but suddenly grew pale and shivered when reality sunk in on her. She hugged herself tightly and thought dreadfully, if Leo didn’t dissuade me from my brilliant idea and didn’t literally dragged me along the long route, I could have been in Ron’s place……She felt sick to her stomach, pushing down the bile that is forming down her throat and suddenly sprang up, taking her cousin by surprise and cutting off her rambling.

     “Where do you think you’re going? I’m not through yet with my story!” Debra cried in frustration and stamped her feet for emphasis.

     “Sorry, Deb. I have a very important thing to do,” she smiled at her and proceeded to go to her bathroom but made a u-turn to asked her cousin, “Oh, by the way, do you know where Leo lived? I just want to talk to him.”

     “Leo!” Debra shouted incredulously, “are you out of your mind! You’ve met him! How? When? Don’t you know he used to be a drug addict! Uh, uh, I’m warning you Ashleigh, stay away from him. He’s bad news. He might–“

     “Will you please shut up!” Ashleigh snapped. “I don’t care. Just give me his address and I’ll explain to you later why I need to talk to him,” she asked calmly.

     “Okay, I’ll give it to you. The house is at the corner  with a red gate along our street, numbered 221-A. Don’t blame me if he will do something to you. I did warn you.” Debra said haughtily.

     Ashleigh ignored her and entered her bathroom to freshen up and went out.
    
     She met Leo on the way to his house, looking disheveled and lonely, his thinness and hollowed cheeks were more pronounced in daylight.

     “Leo!” she ran to him and hugged him briefly. “Thank you for saving me.”

     He stared at her in surprise. “Saving you?”

     “Yes, last night. Do you remember it? When I came home late?” She inquired.

     “Oh, that. It’s nothing.” He shrugged it aside nonchalantly and started to go on his way.

     “Leo, wait!”

     He turned and looked at her blankly.

     “Thank you for being my new friend.” She smiled at him.

     Leo smiled back, showing not only his dimples but a twinkle in his eyes, making it alive with happiness. “Yah,” he replied and walked away whistling.

     Nice but weird, really weird.

Fin

……angels can be in different forms.

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Jesus love you ❤

The Cry of an Imperfect Lover

How can this be?
What are You doing to me?
When will stop You wooing me?
I’ve been ignoring You for so long.

I’m not interested to know You.
I’ve been resisting You for years.
Can’t you see?
I don’t want You!

Why can’t You let me go?
Why are You so stubborn?
What is it in me that You love?
Don’t You know? I am so unworthy of You.

Let me remind You. You are very rich,
I am so poor. I live in this gutter
You’ve got You’re castle in the sky.
You are a King, I am just a pauper.

Why can’t You see our differences?
Why can’t You see how filthy I am?
Why can’t You see I can’t be faithful?
Why can’t You see I have other lovers? Why?

See this….I want You to know my family.
They may hurt, reject or ignore me
But they’re all I’ve got.
I can’t possibly leave them.

How about my friends?
No way! They embraced who I am.
Despite the fact that sometimes
they just don’t understand.

My work? My dependable, secure work!
You’re questioning his worth?
You don’t know my needs,
This one always provides for me.

Don’t You ever dare mention about my vices.
How do You think should I live without them?
Do You want me to die in boredom?
Do you?

So You see….my hands are full.
I can’t, for the life of me, belong to You alone.
That’s utterly ridiculous….Impossible….
You can’t possibly have all of me. I just can’t…..

I have to reject You.
I can’t possibly surrender to You.
How can I?
I need them…..They need me…..

So, please, just go!
Stop pursuing me!
Stop hurting Yourself!
Don’t die because of me……

Die?…..
You’re willing to die on that Cross for me?
Why!? Why would You do that!?
I don’t understand You at all!
How come you’re willing to die for me?

Because You love me?
You love me! Hah! No way!
Nobody could love me unconditionally.
Nobody were willing to die because of me!

Can’t You see my filthiness?
But still You cleansed me.
Can’t You see my nakedness?
But still You clothed me.

You won’t give up.
Until I surrendered to You.
Until my excuses and alibis flew away.
Until there’s only You right in front of me.

Your love changed me.
I am cleansed, renewed, filled.
Bit by bit, I surrendered my lovers.
Until You became my all and all.

But…..
Why am I still hurting You?
Why am I still disobeying You?
Why am I not trusting You?

What makes me doubt Your promises?
Why am I so unfaithful?
Why am I afraid of my future?
Why am I like this?

I was supposed to trust You.
You are my everything!
You give me Your all!
I should be doing the same for You.

I am still failing You.
I made wrong choices.
And sometimes, I am angry with You.
I don’t understand why am I like this?

Oh, Lord, I desire to perfectly love You.
I want to shower You with my praises and cares.
I want to see You nod in approval of what I do.
I need to know Your deepest appreciation.

But…..I have an imperfect heart,
An imperfect thoughts, an imperfect will.
This is all I can give You.
My brokenness, an imperfect me.

My beautiful Bride, that’s all I ever want.
The imperfect and broken you.
Can’t you see how much I love you?
Can’t you see how much I care?

I don’t need a perfect lover.
I need to make you whole.
I need to complete you
And make you mine.

That’s all I ever desire.
That’s all I ever want.
Loving who you are.

image

Embracing the real you.

So, accept fully My love.
Let’s celebrate true love in our hearts.
I Am yours and you are Mine.
Be My beloved and let’s soar high.

Jesus love you ❤

Permanent Change

Heart thumping like the hooves of horses springing from a race, I opened the gate and stood there looking so calmed and controlled. I waited for almost an eternity before I got accustomed to the deafening silence that greeted me. Suppressing a shudder that tends to break my calmed demeanor, I scantily eyed the place.

It was so serene, breathtaking but somewhat disturbing like being divided between sleep and wakefulness, trying so hard to hold on to your dreams because you’re so afraid to face the dreaded reality. I suddenly brushed off a stray hair that falls on my forehead, thinking in doing so, I might erase the trance of animosity that seared my soul.

I leisurely walked down the pavement, smelling all the way the myriad of flowers surrounding the entire vicinity. I sat down on the bench beside a tree and suddenly forgot my eerie feeling about the place when my mind were flooded with flashes of memories from yesteryears, like a projector changing its vivid colors. I smiled in remembrance and waited eagerly for her, at last, my chance is now. I will make sure, goodbye is out of the way.

“Hello, Pete.”

“Huh!…..Claire! I’m so glad to……,” I stood up and turned around when I heard his voice to face her, opening my arms to envelop her with my hug but stopped in midair, staring at her, so dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe my eyes. She looked so different, so unlike her. I shook my head and closed my eyes, trying to vanish this mirage from my mind, trying so hard to envisioned the girl I’ve known before. No! This can’t be true! This is not happening! My heart is rebelling deep within me.

I opened my eyes once again and there she is standing in front of me, not a mirage but a real live person.

“Claire is that you?!” I asked in disbelief.

“Yes, Pete,” she smiled. “C’mon, why don’t we sit down and talk.”

As I sat down beside her, for the first time since we were together, I felt the stirring of awkwardness creeping inside my heart.

“How are you, Pete?” She asked me gently.

“I’m fine…..I should be the one asking you that question! What happened to you?! Are you sure?! I mean don’t get me wrong….Are you happy?! I’d never thought…..you’ll turned out to be like this!” I babbled, panic rising inside my throat and I forced myself to swallow its bitterness.

“Yes, Pete, I understand how you feel. Things change and so do I. Let’s just say, I was looking for something in my life, some meaning or purpose…. that’s the reason why I was so restless when we were growing up. You’ve seen me go through mischief one after another. I thought that was the answer to my discontent but it all led me to more despair,” She touched my hand resting on the bench and stared through my eyes, “I am happy here, Pete and more at peace. The one thing that I was searching for in my life, the void that no one could fill…..I found it here.”

As I listened to her, my heart froze and cold dread rolled down my spine. I looked at her intently, not ashamed of the pain showing in my eyes, then I saw the happiness boldly written on her face that I’ve never seen before, it was then that I knew, I’ve lost her for good. I felt the ice thawed inside my heart and tears started to gather inside my eyelids, threatening to fall down my face. I swallowed the lump that lodged inside my throat and looked away, trying hard to fight my inner turmoil.

“Don’t you know……I’ve waited for this dream to come true, Claire. A dream that one day, it will be me and you. I let you go, let you quench your wanderlust elsewhere because I thought in the end, my love will prevail and you will come back to me, your best friend and you will realize, it is me all along you are searching for, that we will be more than friends….but I never thought…..you will end up like this.” I stood up and started to blame myself from the searing pain that I, myself, planted.

It’s all my fault! I shouldn’t have been a coward! I should’ve told her what I’ve felt back then! I should’ve taken that risk! I should….

I stiffened when I felt her hand on my shoulder. “No, Pete. Please don’t blame yourself. It’s no one’s fault. We have different directions in life. It’s simply not meant to be. I am destined to be here and you…..for that special woman who will love you the way you dreamed of. Ever since, you knew deep down inside, I couldn’t be that woman, that’s why, it was easy for you to let me go and for me to go away.”

She faced me and held my hand firmly, then she looked deep into my eyes. “In our life, God gave us the will to make our own choices. You chose to built castles in the sand, thinking someday, everything will materialize into reality but with just a blink of an eye, it disappeared from your sight, never to be found again. In my case, I’ve chosen to built a house on a solid ground, never be knocked down by a ferocious storm…..Pete, life is too short to waste it on longing for things that never took place. It’s time for you to let go and face your today. I was in the past, she is your now and your tomorrow. Trust God and live it to the full, giving your all.”

As I stared through her eyes and listened to her soft words, the burden inside my heart lifted up and been carried by the wind. It was then that I understood and realized that I’ve never really loved her like I thought I should. It was just a matter of knowing her all my life that my mind conjured up this image that we will be together and never part. Suddenly, tears cascaded down my face without warning and this time, I couldn’t held it back because it is the tears of freedom not of pain. Freedom from a bondage of a long ago dream that never meant to be in the first place.

As I walked away and looked back, I saw this lady in blue standing in front of a monastery, waving at me. I smiled and waved back, filled with peace and joy that overflows in my heart, remembering that special woman who waited for me to love her.

I’m sorry, Donna, for all the pain. This time, I will love you with all my heart. No more holding back……

Thank you, Sister Claire. Thank you for being a friend. I know, I  will always have a special place in your heart as you are with mine….I love you, best friend….goodbye.

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Jesus  loveyou

Chances Are…..

“Ooops, sorry.” I mumbled when I suddenly step on a shoe on the crowded bus. I looked up and my breath hitched as I stared on a very familiar face that I knew not so long ago.

“Hi, Ley,” He smiled in a friendly way but I turned around, having the urge to punch that handsome face who seems too friendly for my taste. I swallowed a lump of emotion blocking my throat and chided myself for still being affected of him after all these years. All these years! Get a grip Leah! It’s been six years already! Get over him!

“Hmmmm, it’s been a long time. How are you, Ley?” He tried to ease the tension between us but I was too far gone in controlling my emotion that I opted to just ignore him or find myself blaming him from all the heartaches and miseries that I’ve experienced since he left me for another girl six years ago. I don’t want to give a spectacle in this crowded place, on a public bus at that, so I just gritted my teeth together til my jaw hurt from clamping down my mouth heavily.

Thank God he didn’t attempt again to talk to me and I sigh in relief as I saw my stop and proceeded to disembark the vehicle. What I didn’t anticipate is that he will also get out of the bus and started to keep up with my angry stride. The nerve!

“What do you want, Randy?!” I suddenly stopped and face him. He was startled by my sudden change of pace and almost bump into me. “Why are following me?!” I spat at him and he cringed when he saw the vehemence on my face.

“Please, Ley, we need to talk.” He pleadingly asked me. “There’s nothing to talk about, Randy. You’re six years late and I don’t give a heck anymore of what you did. So, please, don’t bother me anymore. Continue doing what you’ve been doing all these years, being invisible.”

I turned around and started to walk again towards home but he blocked my path and with a determined gleam in his eyes, he ushered me inside the park by holding my elbow firmly and I knew with that look, he will not stop until he could talk to me. So, I stop resisting him and sat down on the bench.

“So, talk away.” I said without looking at him. I just stared ahead, crossing my arms in front of me while he sat down beside me with a few feet between us. “I knew I’ve hurt you badly. I knew I’ve betrayed your trust and I’m so sorry. I don’t have an excuse of what I did and for all those years, I’ve regretted everyday of my mistake and if I could only take back the time, I will never intentionally want to hurt you.” I looked up when I heard a choking sound coming from him and find myself staring into his hurting eyes with tears forming, ready to cascade down his face.

I bowed down my head as I started to get emotional as well and tried to stop my own tears but before I knew it, the pain that I thought I’ve forgotten bloomed inside my heart and flows down my face. We’re both suspended in time, reminiscing that painful part of our relationship and  kept silent, broken only by occasional hiccups and sighs as we tried to compose our emotional state.

After a while, he tried to talk again with more strength in his voice this time. “I met Cindy in a party of one of my frat mates. She’s very friendly but not flirtatious and easy to talk to. You were away on vacation that time and I stayed in school for a summer class. We get to be friends and I thought it will stay that way. One afternoon, she called me up and she was crying. She told me to come into her rented apartment and because she is so heartbroken on the phone, I pitied her and get along with her invitation to console her. We talked about her problems with her boyfriend and we drank some wine. I guess, we drunk too much because the next thing I knew, I woke up with a hang over, with just my boxer on and in bed with her.”

I looked up again in shock and he raised his left hand to silence the questions ready to spout inside my mouth. “I know, Ley, but please let me finish explaining and after,  you can do anything to me.”

I sighed and bowed down my head again, so afraid of what happens next.

“I grabbed my clothes, put it on and hurriedly left her apartment and when I reached my dorm, I vomited and cried for seems like hours because I knew I betrayed you, our love and I couldn’t face you again of what I did. I felt so stupid and guilt ate at my heart,” He slightly placed his right hand on my shoulder, “That’s the reason why whenever you call me up, I always tell you that I’m busy with school and stuff but really, it was all just an alibi.”

I kept silent and just shrugged his hand away. He gave out a deep breath and proceeded with his story. “I didn’t see or talk to her after that, ignoring all her calls and texts but after a month of avoiding her, she cornered me outside my room as I got home and told me she was pregnant with my child.”

I felt my breath whoosh out of me as if my stomach were being punch with a fist and I felt suddenly dizzy. I find myself grasping for air as he rubbed my back, telling me to breathe, in, out, in, out until he felt that I am calming down.

He let go in rubbing my back and I just stared at him, speechless of what he just revealed to me. He straighten his back and looked away. “That’s the reason why I broke up with you on the phone telling you all those lies that I don’t love you anymore, that I found someone new etc, etc,” He looked at me with all the hurt inside streaming out of his eyes. “I wanted you to stay away from because I don’t deserve your love anymore. I made a mistake and even though I don’t love Cindy, as a man, I need to be responsible for my action so I told her that I will marry her.” He sighed, “That’s why I didn’t finish my summer class, we went to my hometown and hers to talked to our parents and scheduled our civil wedding.”

A tear rolled down his face and this time, I looked away, not brave enough to see the anguish written all over his face. “But before the wedding materialized, she talked to me in tears, telling me that nothing happen to us that night, asking for forgiveness, she staged it all to make me believe that I am the father of her child when in fact, the true father was her boyfriend who abandoned her when he found out that she was pregnant.”

I suddenly turned my head in his direction that I thought I had a whiplash and incredulously stared at him with mouth agape not believing all the lies that this…..this….I was at loss for words to describe that insufferable girl!

“She deliberately break us up because of her selfish reason!” I jumped up and started to pace to and fro, muttering angry remarks of her evil intentions. I stopped abruptly and faced Randy with my hands flayed out to confront him. “You mean to say, my heart was broken because she just want to have a father for her child, so that she will not be humiliated! You mean to say, I’ve cried all those tears for years because of a lie! I’ve tried to hate you and it’s not even entirely all your fault! Why didn’t you tell me! Why?!” I shouted at him and he stood up, embracing me and let me pummel his chest with my left hand as he murmurs soothing words to me. ” I’m sorry, baby…..I came back…..I tried….shhhhh, everything will gonna be alright….. I love you…..shhhh, shhhh”

He continues to sooth me by caressing my back as I let go of all my pent up emotions of anger, longing, love, hate and loneliness on his embrace, soaking wet his polo shirt with my tears. After almost an eternity, my tears subsided and he led me back to the bench and we sat down, not letting go of me. I raised my head and he tenderly wiped out the remnants of my tears, seeing all the love written boldly on his face. “I loved you and I still love you, Ley. I never stop. I came back on the campus to tell you everything but you were not enrolled there anymore. I searched for you but nobody could tell me where you were. I even went to your hometown but your family adamantly didn’t want to tell me where you are….but I didn’t give up, I continue to searched for you until I found out you’re here in this particular city where you finished your degree and been working here ever since you graduated five years ago.” He affectionately kissed my nose the way he always do on our three years together and always, he took my breath away. “I missed you so much baby and now that I finally found you, I will never let you go again….never…. even if you throw me away.” He declares it with so much conviction that I believe him.

“I’m sorry for hurting you with my stupidity. Please Ley, baby, can we start all over again? Even if you stop loving me now, even if you can’t forgive me now…please give me a chance to prove to you that I love you and make you love me again….please, baby, please….”

He imploringly searched my face for a glimpse of
hope of a second chance and when he saw the love still shining inside my eyes, he embraced me so tightly that I squirmed in protest because I couldn’t breathe. “Oh, sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to crush you. Have you forgiven me? You’ll gonna give me a second chance right?” He enthusiastically inquire of my answer.

“Well, okay but….” I stopped him by putting my right pointer finger to his lips….”on one condition….you need to earn my trust again and my love. You know what to do and I mean, you will work much more harder this second time around than the first time you started wooing me. Am I clear?” I told him mischievously.

“Yes, Ma’m. Scouts honor. I will do my very best.” And he suddenly scooped me on a fireman style and twirl me around the park, shouting “I love you, Leah!”

“Randy, put me down! OMG! This is so embarrassing.” He stopped twirling and I looked around and saw some people looking at us with amusement written all over their faces. Thank God their were just few of them.

Randy put me down and took a bow as the people dispersed to do their own thing, shaking their heads in bewilderment.

He suddenly pulled me back by his side to sit down again on the bench at the same time thanking me profusely for giving him this chance, promising not to screw it up again.

When he finished all his gibberish and we sat down contentedly on the bench with his right arm around me, I asked him what has happened to Cindy. “After a year of giving birth on her hometown, she went abroad and worked in L.A. That’s what her friends told me on campus. I’ve already forgiven her and you should, too,” He looked at me and sincerely told me, “It is better to forgive her even if we can’t understand her motives. It is much freer that way.”

And I nod in approval, knowing that sometimes circumstances can be cruel and can’t be understood but the most important part is, is here, now, right this moment. Past is past. Today is a new beginning and tomorrow is a promise.

I leaned my head on Randy’s shoulder and felt contentment wrapped around my heart. Nothing is so good when you’re at peace with your past and nothing is more sweeter when your second chance is now a reality.

We both sighed together, looked at each other and laughed, knowing that a great future is looming ahead of us. A future that we never thought could come to pass.

End

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” For I know well the plans I have in mind for you–oracle of the Lord–plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope. “

Jeremiah 29:11

Jesus love you ❤