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Seeking…..

September 13, 2018

Lately, I’ve been getting lazy in attending our prayer meetings every week with an alibi that I am busy but if I really want to go, I know, I can rearrange my schedule to really have the time to attend. I thought to myself, ” I am alright”, I never stop my prayers, reading daily scriptures and Christian books not to mention my devotions every day. I think that’s enough for me. Is it?

One time, my spiritual facilitator asked me to serve in a very important event in our community and I obliged since I was a little bit guilty in telling her I will attend and I always stood her up and I kinda miss serving in our community, so there I was serving with a smile pasted on my lips, exhausted but filled. Then praise and worship began and I found myself crying my heart and eyes out. And I thought to myself, I miss this.
While I was standing there on that place of worship, closing my eyes, savoring the feeling of euphoria embracing my sweat soaked body, I saw the Lord Jesus in a vision standing right in front of me. He was smiling and He eventually extended His hands to hug me so tight and whispered, ” I miss you.”
Of all the……! Whew!
I was so speechless when I heard it coming from His lips that I cried a full bucket of tears.
You may think I am so overdramatic but you see, I knew that I’ve been lukewarm in my faith walk for years now. I’ve been lazy, complacent, plateau etc., etc. You can name it whatever you want, in other words, my faith is getting kaput and I’m not doing anything about it.
I’ve been writing about the Lord and telling people about Him but deep inside me I knew, I was just going through the motion every single day. My heart is not right and it was a gradual drifting that continues to submerge me into a life of complacency until that day when it smack me right off my face by that simple but powerful word of missing me.
My Lord missing me? I was expecting something else like a reprimand, a reminder somehow or even a pitiful I love you but no! He said He misses me. Me! But did I do something about it after? Nah! My conundrum life continues.
But I was pondering on it. When did it all start? Will I still get out of this humdrum existence? Where’s my First Love went to? Where’s the hunger? The thirst for His presence? When do I start getting out? Did it started out of longevity because I’ve known Him for two decades now? Or maybe because I’ve suffered so many disappointments and failures I somehow blamed Him for it and got angry? Maybe I’ve became impatient in waiting for His answers to my prayers, I doubted His promises to me? Or better yet, I became knocked down so many times from previous trials, one after another, that I had a hard time recovering from it all? I don’t know. All I know is that I messed up and the Lord knows it and He still misses me.
As I was pondering, I was seeking an answer to every questions lurking inside my heart. Then, this morning in my prayer time, the arrow hit me again right into the very center of my heart. Seek and you will find. SEEK…
Oh my gosh!
Then the Lord spoke to me; “I wasn’t hiding from you, child. I am always been in front of you. But you were so blinded by the circumstances that surrounded you, you thought I was far away from you. I am not. I am here waiting for you to come to Me. To seek Me.
Dig deeper, Child. Swim right through the bottom of your heart. Quietly. Keep on asking until you receive. Seek more until you find and knock louder until the door is open for you. It is not about my promises nor the abundant life anymore, it is about you and Me, exclusively. Regardless of the gifts. Regardless of the promises. Seek Me. Alone. I want a higher up from you. A higher calling awaits you. From now on….seek Me.
As I was writing this reflection it took me an hour to write it in one seating because I need to stop from time to time as tears kept on blurring my vision. This is one of the most emotional writings that I’ve had.
Thank You, Lord for missing me. For not giving up on me. Thank You for knowing me so much that you know when to push me to do something in our relationship. Thank You Lord for the loving reminder of my inadequacies in dealing with my relationship to you. Thank You for making me seek the Main thing again which is You. I love you and I miss You, too.
“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.
Matthew 7:7

@fine.art.artists

Oilpainting by Daniel Van Der Putten in Surrey, UK

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Bro ( A Memoir )

July 03, 2018

This hole in my heart suddenly widen when you decided to leave. You never gave me a chance to know the pain that you carried in your heart for so long. You laughed and you smiled as if your life is not breaking apart. You made me believed that your life is a cacophony of roses that I never perceived your tortured mind. You fooled me enough that I was blind and deaf to your cry for help because you chose not to hurt me, protecting me from the piercing pain that I will feel if I know the truth behind your charming smile.

You chose to carry alone your wounded soul because I was so engross with shallowness, I didn’t bother to listen to the depthness of your despair. You chose to leave because you can’t carry anymore the burden of this cruel world and leave me with so many questions hovering, bombarding my mind, hurting my heart, making me ask why.

I didn’t expect to cry this much for you. I was envisioning us to grow old, still laughing together despite difficulties, happiness and the like until our dying breath. But you cheated on me, not even a warning, a precautionary measure to not miss you, to not remember you with a heart that is gaping open with tears that I wonder if it will recover from this searing pain that I still encountered from time to time.
Everytime your handsome face and endearing smile flooded my mind, I smile with you, my heart soared high wanting to call you on the phone, wanting to hear your sweet voice but then, I will come to realized, taken aback, you are not with me anymore. You are now a pigment of my imagination, a memory that I find myself teary-eyed, knowing I will not hear your voice again.

I’ve realized, I will not feel anymore the tightness of your hugs and the sweet kisses on my cheeks that only you can pull off. No more lazy-out-of-the-topic-in-depth-crazy conversations with you that I always look forward to. No more laughing with my silliness because you always accepted my idiocyncracies without laughing at me. No more listening to my girly cravings like watching Korean dramas and gushing over my fave actors and singing my fave Kpop songs. You embraced it all without judgments or prejudices no matter how you said it’s too cheesy for your taste. No more eating out together along with our cousins and I remembered our last dinner together, you inviting me (which is a first ) to eat Japanese food because you knew how much I love it. I didn’t know it was the last time I’ll see you alive.

You’ve grown and you’ve made decisions that I didn’t know of but in my eyes, you will always be that sweet, innocent baby cousin of my mine that I adore and love.

I am sorry for not being there when you need someone the most. I am sorry that I was so busy blubbering my own business, I forgot to listen to yours. I am sorry that my prayers for you were not enough to get you out of that lybyrinth the you succumb to. I am sorry for not seeing your pain. I am sorry.

Thank you for being a giver, unselfishly. Thank you for being a recipient of your unfailing love. Thank you for giving me a taste of it for the twenty-three years of your life. I love you so much and this heart of mine will not be whole again because a piece of it was taken away from me when you decided not to stay.

( Dedicated to someone i will never forget….)

@acrylicpourn

Painting by @silkethieler

Jealousy

June 27, 2018

His jealousy is not selfishness. His jealousy is not possessiveness. It is out of love and concern for us because He doesn’t want us to be astray.

He want us to be pure by taking our dross layer by layer like a gold tested by fire to shine brightly in the night sky.

His desire is for us to be like Him, perfected because He fills our hearts to love and worship Him in the purest way without any ulterior motives on our part. He longs for our wholehearted devotion because He loved us first unconditionally.

Like a father who longs for his son’s embrace, He wants us to willingly and joyfully love Him without self-preservation nor hesitations as He is. Our jealous God is a loving one. He is consistent in His ways. We need only to seek Him and His will, our lives will never be the same.

@fine.art.artists

Painting by Jay Kemp

No to Negativity

March 12, 2018

I thought to myself I cannot live that kind of life, too much negativity.
I am now 47 years old. Four decades and counting of being betrayed, disappointed of my expectations of others ways, ill-treated, laughed at, ridiculed, put-down, judged, tattled to and so on and so forth. There’s one thing I put my foot down on…..I will not succumb to their negativity. I chose to forgive, day by day, by the help of God Almighty.
I don’t want it to matter what they did to me, what matters is what I did to them. My sincere kindness and love to those people who one way or the other didn’t get the memo to give me back what I threw at them. Sometimes, life is not like that and I know it’s kinda unfair but what is fairness anyway when we live in a world full of uncertainties. We need to live and to survive and it’s just sad to know some do by hurting other people.
So, I decided not to be imprison into the clutches of negative people. I chose to love and to trust again not because I am a goody-two-shoe but because of the freedom that forgiveness gives off when a smelly poison is crawling down your arms, giving you goosebumps in a scary way. No pessimist can dictate to me what to do with my life, to stop me from positively moving on and to live my life to the fullest. I will not allow anyone to rob me of the joy that I’ve experienced and want to explore again. Anyway, these negative manipulations are not unique, everyone had a bitter taste of it and I want and will spit it out of my system. In the end, it will be my life who will swallow the delicious taste of happiness of being free from the claws of negativity.
I am an optimist. It’s my choice. No one can take that away from me. How about you? You also have a choice. Do you choose it to?

Title: Bluebonnet Amphitheatre

Painting by: Larry Dyke, Texas

@fine.art.artists

Open my Eyes and Hear

March 08, 2018

In general, I’m an introvert person but when I get comfortable with a certain individual, I became a chatterbox. When I go like this, it’s an indication that I love and trust that person explicitly with my life. I reveal things that I don’t usually tell anyone because I know in my heart that she will understand, accept and love me without prejudices and judgment. She will not tattle it to anyone behind my back.
I have that kind of friend.
I am blessed to have her and she always have time to listen to my endless chatter when we were together. Her patience in listening to me is very remarkable and she never once gave an indication that she’s irritated with me. She always throws her wisdom, encouragement, wit and humor into my net that I am all the more wanted to be with her and talk anything under the sun. I thank God for giving me this gem that is her shining in my life.
One time while in prayer, as I always interceded for her and for the life of me, I couldn’t utter a single specific prayer for her and I felt suddenly ashamed of knowing that I guess I talk too much that I didn’t realize I haven’t listen to her lately and….. have I ever listen to her at all?
I bow down my head in supplication, asking God to forgive me of my outrageous audacity of selfishness. This time I want to listen, to perceive, to get to know her intimately. Not only her mind but most especially her heart. The concerns, the burdens, the joys, the wishful thinking, the dreams. I want to be a friend who just give herself selflessly by listening, by being there without the unwanted advices, comments, or even sympathies. Just be present. Period.
And the Lord is asking for me to do that to Him too. To say like the boy Samuel said; “Speak Lord, your servant is listening.” ( 1 Samuel 3:10 ) And that I’ll do…..from now on.
I am a work in progress and I am getting there…..soon.
My eyes are open and I am listening..

@acrylicpourn

Title: Ascension

The Possibility

March 05, 2018

What does it takes to be free from the cares of this world? When everywhere I turn, the world scream for a need.
Hungry eyes that continue to stare into oblivion. A bony frame that crave for some plumage. A gaunt expression that thirsted for satisfaction and a soulless want that continues to fry their brain.
Others needs may not be apparent in their get-up but deep down into the recesses of their minds, the wants and concerns were more tangible that what we can perceive.
Greed that turn their flesh rotten, covetousness that corrupt an already warped mind set, jealous countenance that shoot right through the sky, fogging their sight, enviousness that resounds louder than a music box and hatred that sold their souls to the devil.
So many questions…..so little answers.
So many worries…..so little peace.
What does it takes to be free from the cares of this world?
Everything!
Impossible!
With God everything is possible…..( Matthew 19:26 )

Painting by Marcel Roux, France

(1878-1922)

I Am a Woman

January 21,2014
I am a woman..
I am not an object that you could use and abuse then discarded after unleasing your wayward passion.
I am a woman…
I am not a trophy that you could display in your showcase as if you’re parading your new found conquest.
I am a woman…
I am not a slave machine that you order to do things at your beck and call without giving a slight attention of how I cared for you.
I am a woman…
I am not a stone cold mannequin that you just ignored at home and not be affected by the ebbing of the warmth in your heart.
I am a woman…
I am not just a bearer of our children but a loving mother who could selflessly give my all.
I am a woman…
I am not just a confetti in your working world but an equal sharer of ideas that earn your approval and respect.
I am a woman…
I am not dumb that you need to tie my tongue and shield my eyes to give voice to what’s on my mind.
I am a woman…
I am not a burden that you need to dispatch to a place where I’m gonna be alone without your support because I am old and gray.
I am a woman…
I am not just a body, nor a face or a skin that you forget to ask my brain or feel my heart in order for you to discover that I am more than what you see.
I am a woman…
I was taken from a rib of a man, bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh, a metaphor that says I need to be cared for and protected in what ever shape I am.
I am a woman…
I am my Father’s princess, in His image and likeness, a beloved daughter, created to love and be loved.
I am a woman…
And in the eyes of my Beloved, I am beautiful. I am His and His alone and no one can take me away from Him.
First and foremost, I am who I am…
I am His woman!