I Am a Woman

January 21,2014
I am a woman..
I am not an object that you could use and abuse then discarded after unleasing your wayward passion.
I am a woman…
I am not a trophy that you could display in your showcase as if you’re parading your new found conquest.
I am a woman…
I am not a slave machine that you order to do things at your beck and call without giving a slight attention of how I cared for you.
I am a woman…
I am not a stone cold mannequin that you just ignored at home and not be affected by the ebbing of the warmth in your heart.
I am a woman…
I am not just a bearer of our children but a loving mother who could selflessly give my all.
I am a woman…
I am not just a confetti in your working world but an equal sharer of ideas that earn your approval and respect.
I am a woman…
I am not dumb that you need to tie my tongue and shield my eyes to give voice to what’s on my mind.
I am a woman…
I am not a burden that you need to dispatch to a place where I’m gonna be alone without your support because I am old and gray.
I am a woman…
I am not just a body, nor a face or a skin that you forget to ask my brain or feel my heart in order for you to discover that I am more than what you see.
I am a woman…
I was taken from a rib of a man, bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh, a metaphor that says I need to be cared for and protected in what ever shape I am.
I am a woman…
I am my Father’s princess, in His image and likeness, a beloved daughter, created to love and be loved.
I am a woman…
And in the eyes of my Beloved, I am beautiful. I am His and His alone and no one can take me away from Him.
First and foremost, I am who I am…
I am His woman!


Beyond Comprehension

February 05, 2015

I was reading my daily devotion and I came across this quote: “Every person born in this world represents something new, something that never existed before, something original and unique,” by Martin Buber and I said yeah, he’s definitely right and it represents each and every person born in this world. Nobody is like me. Nobody is like you. Nobody is like him or her or that man and that woman. Unique. Individual. One.

Then, something came niggling at the back of my mind and I started thinking again. ( Mind you, sometimes this is my preoccupation, please, bear with me ). I suddenly had a question swirling above my head that shouts, “Does everyone knew that when they were born in this world, they were bringing something new, something original and unique that never existed before in this world? Is everybody aware of this? Or can I just statistically count them with my fingers?

My mind then wander beyond the four corners of my room and imagine the zillion of people living and breathing on earth and I just couldn’t decipher the enormity of my question. It’s mind-boggling actually. I realized that most of them out there doesn’t even know how precious they are and I got emotional. I wanted to cry for them, for us, for me. My heart is hurt. Most of us look down on ourselves. Most of us doesn’t even know our true value. Most of us doesn’t even know who we really are.

As my tears continue to formed around my eyelids, my mind continue to conjure up scenarios depicting our individual struggles around our world, trying to fit in, trying to please anybody, trying to be somebody while losing the original blueprint of our individuality because I, too, fell from all this garbage that continues to rob me off of being me.

I long to be accepted as me, to be loved as me, my quirks, my warts, my joy, my moods, my all and because of that longing, I thought that if I blend in and be somebody else, I’ll be embrace wholeheartedly but I was wrong and when years of pretensions wrapped around me, I found out I was no longer that person, I became a somebody so way out of being me. They already saw and accepted the prototype that project the opposite of who I was in private, the person who, no matter how I wanted to get rid of will always surface because that’s who I was made of originally. I became a two-faced individual who were already confused of who I am really.

That was a life that dragged me down to self-pity because somebody’s life is way much better than me, to self-loathing because I am not who they thought they knew me to be.

Instead of being unique, original, I became everyone, a copycat, a somebody but in my perception, a nobody. So, I’ve opted to lose myself deeper in my make-believe world of being independent, ambitious, perfectionist, the “I-can-do-it-myself-I-don’t-need-anybody’s-help” attitude that pushed people away who saw my deepest secret, my deepest need, the people who really loved and embraced me as me.

My life became a vicious cycle of acting out my prideful, strong, got-it-together-self and facing my fear to fail, cowardly, confused self privately. Until I disintegrate and found myself inside a Church, on my knees, tears cascading down my cheeks, looking up on the Cross, not minding the people milling around me, asking Him why is this happening to me. For the first time in my life, I noticed Him, personally. I saw His individuality. I saw His love for me. For. Me. Alone. And that’s when I realized, I don’t need to be somebody else to be loved, to be accepted. Here is a Guy whom I knew from afar since I was a child but haven’t take noticed of because of pride and self-preservation, loved me for who I am. That was my first encounter of His love for me. Since then, I sought Him out, my Savior and little by little, He helped me find again my originality.

Now, I am living a life without perfection, lots of failures actually, being dependent, weak but contented, satiated because now I know to whom I belong to. I am still in the process of finding more about myself and He who began to work in me will not leave me until its completion. As I continue to place Him number one in my life, this journey of loving myself as me, of putting value on that unique individual who have a special place in this world will continue until the day I die.

In my heart of heart, I prayed for each individuals who were lost right now. I can’t describe nor fathom their individual struggles in life. I could only relate what happened in my life and in doing so, they could catch a glimpse of how I was rescued from self-destruction by a Man who died for us on the Cross to feel what we are going through.

I suddenly found myself back inside the four corners of my room as my reverie came to an end. I feel exhilarated and full of vigor because the Lord reminded me again to pray, to intercede. It is far from being over. Each day is a new opportunity to lift my heart in supplication knowing that there still so many out there experiencing who I was before. Different scenic spots, different ways of surviving but one giant need, to be loved as we are, no questions asked.

Only One Individual can do that….He was hanging on the Cross for that one purpose…..Jesus love us. You, Me…..Originally.

In the End, It’s Love!

There are three things that pisses me off:

One, when a person accuses me unjustly that I did something bad to her when it will never ever cross my mind. Secondly, when I helped someone and she stole things and money from me and last but not the least, irresponsible people who will not do what we’ve agreed upon and been blinded about it.

I’ve experienced all these things within this week. Phew! Talking about patience.

The first day of the week, I have a patient who accuses me of being unprofessional because she thought I don’t like her just because I didn’t gave her an appointment on the day she is “available”. Unfortunately, my schedule on that particular day is already full and I really couldn’t accommodate her and besides, she suddenly cancelled her appointment to me two days prior because according to her she got another commitment. And mind you, that’s not the first time she will just surprise me to make an appointment when she’s “available” and everytime she does that, if my schedule fit, I always accomodated her and this happened. Duh?

Two days after, another incident occurred, a former employer of mine asked for my help because her 10 month old baby is in the hospital because of diarrhea. Four months ago, I’ve helped this person by giving her a job in my household because I took pity on her when she got four kids ranging from 6 month old baby to 6 six years old to feed and an irresponsible live-in partner who’s a construction worker but doesn’t give her the full amount of his paycheck because of his gambling and smoking habits.

But the thing is, instead of doing her job well, she slackened and even stole some things and money from me. I needed to let her go after two months of working with me.

Last but not the least, I have a house that I rented out with two tenants and their kids. They’re both single mothers and somehow I haven’t had any problem with them before until this week. I was taken aback when I found out that they did not pay the electric and water bills last month and they just told me about the problem when it was already due and the next bills are already in. I needed to pay them myself just because they did not tell me of their financial difficulties at that moment. If they would have told me, I could have understood and the bills would not be overdue.

Why am I ranting all these here? You might be wondering….

Okay, I’ll tell you now the lessons that the Lord taught me: Love and forgiveness. These two……it is possible but so hard to give sometimes.

The patient? My Jesus told me to swallow my pride and call her first to have an appointment with me to continue her treatment, foregoing what happened and just forget what she accuses me of. She came back with a gift as an apology.

The household help? My Savior told me if you can’t give when you’re in need then you can’t be generous when you have plenty because greed will eat up your soul. I helped her monetarily and even asked my family to give some donations to help meet their needs. She cried with gratitude.

The tenants? Now that they’re financially constraint, My God said to help them by taking out the payment of the bills from their rental fees when our agreement was the bills is exclusive of their fees. The relief on their faces were priceless.

Love and forgiveness. Two beautiful words and emotions that were not easy to give but very much needed in our society where hatred and unforgiveness were easy to bestow and proliferating nowadays. It took a lot of arguments from me toward God to do otherwise while in prayer and I thank God, His grace prevailed. I am now at peace.

I’ve chosen to love and to forgive….how about you, what’s your choice? The possible but not easy to do or the proliferating and the easy way to bestow? It’s all up to you.

Bout of Emotions

January 14, 2014

They say life is a big drama. A movie that someone directed, the script has already been completed and the shooting locations has been reconnoitered to fit the main character’s life to a tee.

Somehow, the plot may vary from hilarious comedy, to tear-jerkers, to heart-stopping actions, the breathless moment of romance and for some, a hair-raising horror movie. All the actors needed do is to follow the script and act on it.

( Sigh ) If only life is as simple as that but I know you’ll call me delusional if I may say so. But, come to think of it, there’s some truth in it. Life really is simple IF we will just follow the direction but, then again, it will not be that easy.

Human as we are, we are so dependent and even governed by our emotions that we lose sight of our focus and made things unclear of what to do, of what to say and what to decide, thus, making things complicated.

Just like in a movie, the actors need to act the right emotions that the director is asking for, so that the moviegoers will understand the story they are trying to convey because if not, the story will go awry.

The wrong emotions that are making me react are the ones that I’m tying to avoid and get rid of, if I can. They are the poison that continues to eat my flesh and denuded me from my future and my happiness. It is the negative things that I’ve done that continues to hurt me and other people that made a segment of my life wasted away.

I need to learn that the role that I have to play depends on the response that I need to relay.

In all of this things that I’ve acted upon in the drama of my life, the main emotion that enthralled me and made me decide and taught me to forgive, to care, to sympathize, to laugh, to be at peace, to be happy, and the antidote to all this negativity is the rigorous power of love.

When my feelings go haywire with circuitous display of pessimism, that’s when the grace of love comes in. To help me see that when all else fails, when my humanity draws me back to the pit again, His unconditional love never ends.

“So faith, hope and love remain, these three, but the greatest of these is love. “
(1 Corinthians 13:13)


January 18, 2015

If we need to measure out our life, how do we do it?

Is it by monetary compensation? How much is our earnings or our savings and assets? The wealth or lack of it that made us compare ourselves to others wants and needs, not knowing that in doing so, we became overboard in our concern for materialism?

Is it our family background? The achievements or failures of family members? The DNA that continues to flow through our bloodline from generation to generation that spoke of shame or honor that we just couldn’t walk away from?

Is it the way we talk, the way we look, our so-called unique style that brought out a new fad but in the end we realized we just imitate someone somewhere and just added a subtle twist to announce it as our own?

Is it the knowledge that we accumulate through the years and made us feel like we know everything and boast about how intelligent we are, having an allergic reactions to some peoples foolishness and lack there of?

Is it the fame, the adulation of people who follow us that in the middle of the glamour and glitz, we are blinded to the truth and forget that fame is just a wisp of a wind, a fleeting moment of recognition in our time and soon, we are forgotten, just another memory of someone who captured her dreams and now lived by someone else’s?

Is it the sense of power, the struggle to dominate, to conquer, to own in order to feel that we are someone special, someone great but in the end, it is just a temporary sojourn of our prideful psyche and find that we are just a speck in this too huge of a universe?

What is really can make us who we are? How do we fill this emptiness that continues to gnawed on the inside of us that we just couldn’t grasp. It is there but then so far away.

The longing is so intense. We want to be someone but ended up to be no one. We tried to find our niche in this world and when we thought we already found it, we are not satisfied because we look for another one to reach out to. We call it in so many ways, a dream, a goal, an achievement, a challenge, a stepping stone but in the end, it is just a label of who we thought we want to be so that we could tell everyone that this is who we are.

But the question is, is it really who we are?

Is there really a need to have a definition, a title so that we could freely live in this world? That person is rich, she is poor, her family is good for nothing, he is a successful person so on and so forth. The lists are endless. We are called by so many names that in the process we define ourselves by those titles that most of the time deviate us from the truth. This so-called definitions became a facade to hide us from what we’ve originally made of…..a precious child of God.

You might be wondering what makes me ask this questions? I guess as of now, I’m being restless. I’m searching for that one little turn that makes me see beyond what I am right now. I am being bombarded by those definitions again that confuses my heart if I am really where I want to be.

How do I measure myself in this whole wide constellations? I looked and looked and found myself staring at my Maker’s love. I realized no matter how much I turn my head in circles, I will end up in my Father’s lap.

Living in this world will not always be a straight line. There will always be a detour, a left or right turn or a u-turn in my road of finding myself because that scenario of searching, of moving, of questioning, of longing, of not being fully satisfied is a sure way for me to be pointed out to the One who know me as I am.

Just like what a certain song taught me, I quote; “Every long lost dream led me to where You are. Others who broke my heart they were like northern star. Pointing me on my way into Your loving arms. This much I know it’s true that God blessed the broken road that led me back to You,” that in all these winding roads, the twists and the turns, there is only one plumbline that I am sure of, this measurement is the simplest but a sure fire way in knowing who I am and that’s the love of my Savior who knew where I’ve been, where I am and where I’ll end up with.

I opted to forego the complicated ( the fame, the money, the style, the background, the education, the power), all these titles are shadows of the original, the permanence, they will be forgotten when we meet our Maker and the only thing that’s left is the real us and so in that context, I chose not to be pressured by the temporal and go for the simple, to focus myself on the ways of my Savior.
Then, my heart settled…..the calm descended and simple emerged.

I became simple again….a child of God, His precious one, His beloved.

My heart ached and tears formed and threaten to flow on my cheeks because I’ve come to realized that the only thing that I must concentrate on is not the labels that people even my loved ones define me with but the name that my Father gave me since the time He formed me in my mother’s womb. I am His and will always be.

As my tears freely escaped from my eyes, I felt that sense of gratitude that tells me I am not alone, I have a future, I belong. Someone cares despite my restlessness, despite my rebellion. He is always there ready to open up His heart and His arms to love me again and again and again.

With a grateful heart and a new perspective, I bowed down my head and acknowledged His sovereignty over me, knowing that this surrender is not in vain. He will fill me again with His presence and fill me up to the brim and overflowing.

He will not disappoint and never will…..despite everything.😁

By Miracle…

January 13,2005

When I met the Lord personally, in my naivete, I thought everything in my life will be as smooth as the gliding of an eagle in the sky, as exciting as the waves lapping at a boat on a shore or as refreshing as the dew after the rain but I was wrong.

Yes, sometimes, those things do come and I forget that life doesn’t consist only of that, I forgot that suffering, trials and troubles were part and parcel of life whether I like it or not.

As I grew deeper in my relationship with Jesus, there were a lot of prayers remain unanswered, so many questions remain a question, so many mysteries that I couldn’t fathom, so many desires that were not yet fulfilled and I wonder why I held on and I knew, you also wondered.

There is only one thing that I knew why I held on. Someone is making me hold on…..

In times of desperation, when I couldn’t see in the dark, when I want to give up, when it seems I feel imprisoned and couldn’t get out…. Someone held me so tight and by miracle, lifted me up.

In times of extreme longing that cannot be filled, when I feel so alone and desperate for someone to hold me, when loneliness gripped me so tightly and I feel that nobody love me…. Someone embraces me and by miracle, love me unconditionally.

In times of my greatest need, when I feel like I’ve lost everything, when I couldn’t do anything, even my mind cannot think and my hands cannot work….. Someone made me move and by miracle, found a way out.

In times of sickness, when my strength is ebbing and my mind is hallucinating, when thoughts of tomorrow we’re fogged by pains and sufferings….. Someone is comforting and by miracle, gives me healing.

In times of unfulfilled dreams, when waiting for the answer is such an ordeal, when what I grasped is a promise, when doubts were crystal clear and trust is from a distance….. Someone is not letting go and by miracle, I hope again.

In times of disappointments, when what happened is not what I thought nor what I want, when it is out of my control and my plans were disrupted and what I’ve seen is unwanted….. Someone is in control and by miracle, made me humbly accept.

In times of disobedience, when temptation is so strong that it succeeded, when I continue to fall and it seems I am left in a gutter, when I feel so bruised and filthy….. Someone is forgiving and by miracle, cleanses my sins.

In times of deepest hurt, when my heart is broken and shredded, when the pain goes deeper into my marrow, when it seems I couldn’t be whole again….. Someone is mending and by miracle, a new beginning.

Whatever I did or didn’t do, by miracle that Someone just wouldn’t and couldn’t let go. He just continue to love me and by miracle, continue to believe in me. I am grateful and at the same time in awe of His love for me, of His trust in me and His continued presence in me.

Now, you asked me why am I holding on, or shall I say, living for? Jesus….. He is the only reason…..

*pics by cathydizonperez


December 10,2004

I was riding a public transportation and I saw this old lady sitting across me with her big umbrella laid down across her lap, oblivious that she was prodding and hitting the lady beside her. That woman is silently resenting what the old lady is doing to her but she didn’t even have the propensity to complain and tell the old woman to get her umbrella off her lap. She just continued to grimaced and made a face every time she was prodded.

As I looked at her, I wanted to tell her, “Hey! Come on! Why don’t you tell that old woman to stop making you uncomfortable!” But I didn’t. I, too, kept silent. It’s ironic really and I pondered on the silliness of that situation.

Silence…..when is the time for you to be broken and when is the time for you to keep still?

Then, I’ve realized, there’s no silliness really in my pondering. That situation had a deeper impact on me that I haven’t known in that brief moment. From that day on, silence kept on ringing inside my ears and I started to hear the noise in my heart.

It made me think that in this day of modern technology, where everything were made possible because of new inventions in transportations and accomodations, we couldn’t find the luxury in basking ourselves in peace and quiet. Even in the most silent places in the world, even when we are all alone, somehow, the noise within continue to haunt us and tried to take over our lives. We are bombarded with so much restlessness and disarray that we forget what silence is all about.

Then it made me question why silence became a threat in lieu of being a companion in other people’s lives. Is it because of the consequences that they were facing in their life?

Some people were silent because they were born that way. In all their lives they haven’t heard of any sound nor utter a single coherent word. They were not born to have a choice to speak out their opinions through their voices thus they were handed especial tools to hear just a fraction of what we hear and speak at the very least, a decipherable word. But most of us, on the other hand, chose not to speak even though we can because we are afraid. We fear of being laugh at, be disagreed with and worst, they might push us away because we open our mouth when we knew deep down inside that we have a significant thing to say.

Some even kept silent because of their own selfish reasons despite the fact that they knew they were right, thinking if they speak, no changes will come to it anyway and if changes do occur, someone will have all the glory. Some in their self-preservation doesn’t even care that in their silence, others were suffering and taking the brunt of their so-called dignity.

Others were being forced to keep their mouth shut because if they do, Pandora’s box will be open and more chaos will be presented over and over again, thus, the din deep within and outside of it will be a constant flow of lies and debauchery. Only death upon death can somehow leave a temporary form of idleness but never one in peacefulness because the silence is ripped off rather than voluntary.

But for me, the worst kind of being silent is when we try to avoid it consciously, when we took effort not to dig deep inside ourselves, knowing that when we do, we will find out who we are and we are not prepared to face our own shadow that’s been hovering around us wherever we go. It is a constant denial of filtering within us because we don’t want to know the remnant of who we really are.

All these silence kept me from wondering what is its deeper meaning and the wisdom for it to be uttered and heard of.

Then, I came across the passage where their is this silence that resounded than any word could ever say: the silent suffering of Jesus Christ. When He was tortured on the way to His death, He never uttered a single complain, nor a minute cry of bitterness, anger or resentment but endured everything knowing He is doing the will of His Father. My heart skip a beat when a simple understanding crept in like a light through the darkness. Only in doing the Father’s Will will you grasp the true joy of being silent and when your heart is in the state of being at peace, that’s when you will have the courage to break its stillness knowing confidently that what you’re saying is a wisdom coming from heaven, anointed, blessed, conforming to the will of God.

“Silent water runs deep” they say and there’s a bigger truth in that. Jesus silence on the Cross signifies His confidence of the truth on what really matter. No shady reasons, no lies, no secrets, no fear. And when we find this kind of certainty within ourselves, that’s when we can really say, I am at peace. Silence became my best friend, my ally, my companion and our shadows became one with us, reflection of who we are in Christ.

And in that context, it kept me still in silent awe…..

*pics by cathydizonperez