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Hit A Nerve

I was lying down on my bed this morning, resting my back after doing all my household chores and doing my daily routine like reading the Bible,, learning three languages and enhancing English and Math proficiency when a sudden, subtle pang hit a nerve inside my heart. I felt that longing for something more and my eyes moistened with tears that surprises me.

You see, I’ve been praying for some things for a very long time now (at least, in my perspective ) and the Lord always says to wait, to be still and know that He is God and most of all, to trust Him. I convinced myself to be patient, to trust and eventually I am now in the state where in I am contented with where my life is right now. Don’t get me wrong, I never stop praying for what the Lord imprinted in my heart because I knew He will give me my hearts desires and His promises always come true but for now, I opted to be contented and at peace while waiting and then this morning happened…..

This longing for something greater. Something beyond my reach. Something implausible. That something that sometimes I don’t even know what it is all about, how?

Then I questioned myself.,..Am I too ambitious? Living in fantasy, maybe! Reaching for the inevitable? Standards too high? I don’t know!

All I know is that my heart doesn’t stop seeking. My mind says, there’s still more out there for me. That My God wants more from me. That He wants me to reach my highest potential. That He is not through with me yet. He still have a grander plan unfolding behind the scene. And my heart suddenly flutter with excitement.

I thought I cried a melancholic tears but I was wrong. This nerve that is being hit is a longing for God’s illustrious plan for me. A plan that I couldn’t even imagine nor fantasize about. A plan that God knew for now but will be unfolded in my life when the right time comes.

Hallelujah! .

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Pondering

Someone tells me, be careful of your thoughts it might come true. Oh, if you only knew how my thoughts keeps on jumping from one scenario to another, you might want to make a movie out of it or better yet, a plethora of melodramas that will put you on edge while gnashing your teeth. Lately, that’s how my pondering goes on inside my puny brain, a mind-boggling novella of great proportion that keeps me awake most of the time. When I think about it ( note: thoughts again ), most of what I thought of lately were things that is relatively negative. I’m afraid, it’s becoming a habit of mine. I kept wondering why is it easy for me to think now about things that scares me, or make me sad, disappoints me and make me lose the joy inside my heart. Is it because of my past experiences, the environment or maybe the people who disappointed me? I am not a Psychologist so I don’t have the right answers, all I know is that it became simpler for me to be pessimistic rather than optimistic of any circumstances in my life whether I am on a mountain top ( it might be taken away from me ) or in a valley ( I might not get out of it ). Fear and worry became a constant companion that tenaciously wrapped themselves around me like two bosom buddies. Sometimes, I hate myself when I thought of things that might go wrong and eventually, I just wasted my time when things were alright. I kept telling myself to cast it aside, throw it away, make more room for beautiful thoughts but I succumbed to it over and over again. Ah! The dilemma of negative thoughts…where are you taking me? How and when can you leave me alone? One day, the Lord opened up my eyes and help me to understand that when I encountered this pessimistic pondering, I simply lack one thing: TRUST. I don’t trust the Lord that He is in control of everything in my life and that He love me unconditionally. Because of this trust disability, I conjure up so many scenes that bring about fears in my heart. Stories that I plotted in order for me to lessen the expectations of what will happen so that I could soften the blow IF things go wrong, trying to somehow manipulate the outcome, presuming I can prevent it if it does goes wrong. I’ve realized when I worry, I’m using my own strength, leaning on my own understanding, thinking things I don’t have the right to, assuming, leaving God behind because I thought I know better. Independent thoughts that makes me look at myself rather than at my Savior Because of my trust issues, I’m seeing again where I am with my relationship with my Savior. In this instance, I knew, I need to go back to where I belong, in His loving guidance and protection. My God knit me in my mother’s womb, He knows my past, present and future. He knows when I sit and when I stand. He knows me more than I know myself. So why do I have to be so negative? Gosh! Silly me….my thoughts forget something that I should remember: I am definitely not god…Jesus is. Yes, It’s true…..hmmm……come to think of it…..:)

Set Free!!!

Lately I’ve been a little out of sync (okay, okay, a lot out of sync, you know, out of my element, not my usual m.o. etc.). I guess you know what I mean. Anyway, a scowl has been etched on my face for days now that everytime I look in the mirror, all I see is a face getting older each day. What the…!!! (panic-stricken face).

( I just took a deep breath and I’m okay now. Sorry for being overly dramatic.) Okay, where were we? Yah, right! I’ll continue my story……

So there I was getting pissed-off everyday and I couldn’t fathom what was wrong with me. So, one time in my prayer, I consulted the Lord about this feelings of anger and resentment boiling in my blood and all of a sudden, I saw this hideous creature on top of my shoulder smirking at me. At first I was terrified and then the Lord spoke in my heart, “You need to surrender your anger and resentment to Me towards that particular person. Forgive her.” Then I knew right there and then that I needed God’s grace to do so.

You see, my family and I helped this person to get a degree so that she can help her family in the province, to make their life better and to help them in their poverty but then, this particular person said nasty things about me and my family to other people and it hurt me a lot. She twisted our kindness to her and her family into a negative thing and I couldn’t believe the betrayal that she did despite the fact that she is still living in my house and I’m still caring for her.

When she graduated and had a job, my parents and I didn’t even ask for anything unless she give something to us voluntarily.Her paycheck is all for her family. She became arrogant and prideful that I don’t know what to do with her.

I didn’t know that that particular hurt turned into anger and resentment that is gradually eating me inside. A disease that is shedding away the joy and peace that the Lord is gracing me with everyday.

When the Lord pinpointed to me my iniquity that morning, I immediately confess and surrender to Him all the anger and resentment I felt for that person and decided to forgive her. Then, I saw this horrendous creature on top of my shoulder being ripped off and pulverized into nothingness. I suddenly felt free and joy seeped into my heart and I started to smile again. I started praying for that person who’ve hurt me and surrendered her to the Lord.

When I saw this person after my morning prayer time, by the grace of God I haven’t felt the anger anymore but compassion and love sets in. She needed the Lord and all I could do is to “kill her with kindness,” so to speak.

When I did that she gradually changes. She never said she’s sorry but she became appreciative of what I am doing to her and I could now see and feel of her gratefulness that I haven’t seen or felt before. The changes that she is now unraveling to keep the peace and love in my home is already enough for me. I know that the Lord is working already in her heart and eventually through prayer she will get to know the Lord Jesus in a personal way.

It’s very easy to let pride take precedence in our hearts, letting ourselves think that we are a “victim” of someone else’s wrongdoing. But in the end if we let it consume our heart, it will turn into a hideous creature burdening us every single day. Let us learn to let God take control of our hurts and learn to surrender. It will always be a win-win situation if we rip our pride away and let forgiveness settle in. Being free is the best luxury.

All glory to God! 

My Alienation 

I woke up feeling disoriented, melancholic….so out of my element. I don’t even want to get up. This is a very unusual feeling for me because in totality I am a very optimistic person and I always find good reasons to get up and to live for another day even in a very dire circumstances. This person who woke up this morning is the opposite of me.

I groggily forced myself to sit up on my bed and tried to pray, the very first thing I always do in the early morning hour but my flesh gave out and my mind went blank. My heart is beating sluggishly as if the only choice it was beating because I am still basically alive and nothing more. I am devoid of my will to do anything…..

I sat there for I don’t know how long and closed my eyes, asking the help of the Holy Spirit to save me….because I don’t know what is wrong with me and why am I like this…..

I sat and waited…..and waited…..quietly….. profoundly….. placidly…..Until I started to open my mouth and words came out without me understanding what I am talking about….spewing rapidly like a cascading waterfall. It drummed in my ears and found myself speaking in tongues, profusely. It came and came getting louder, transforming me into a meditative state then all of a sudden……I saw a big vision of my mouth spewing letters and musical notes rising above my prone sitting position on my bed were lights shimmered above my head. I looked up and two Angels went down to gather all the letters and musical notes unto Heaven and placed it all at the feet of our risen King Jesus Christ.

I saw Him sitting on His throne, robed in majesty with a crown laden with precious gems on top of His head but all I could sense is His compassionate eyes looking down at me where I saw me kneeling down infront of Him.

I bowed my head and a lone tear fell down and another and another. I felt His finger on my lips and I looked at Him with my tears blurring my vision. He said, “Shhhh…..” and wiped my tears with His finger, “….Trust Me. Everything will be okay.” And He continue wiping my tears as I cried and sobbed. Wailing my heart out while He was stooping down wiping my tears away saying over and over again to trust Him because everything will gonna be okay.

I found myself sobbing tremendously when my vision faded away. I couldn’t utter another word of prayer since my tears says it all. After awhile, I felt joyful again. The burden has been lifted but I still didn’t know what was that all about.

You see, for the past six years, I’ve been through a lot. Been sick, getting in and out of the hospitals for five consecutive times confined on a hospital bed for days not counting the times I was brought to the emergency rooms and go home the same day, depleted finances for hospital bills, medicines and doctor fees, last year, office been burglarized and on top of it all, at the end of the year, my childhood home where I was staying turned to dust by fire and I was left with nothing but the clothes I wore that night.

I took it all in in strides. Not losing hope, bravely faced everything with my humor intact and my faith, though sometimes waver and I’ve been disheartened, decided to continue living with a smile on my face.

I thought I was okay…….. I am okay……

And that morning happened……The Lord sees I wasn’t okay…..I am not okay.

In my state of denial, the Lord saw and felt the unknown. He felt my deepest pain that I buried deep down inside me. He unearthed it from the grave and made me starkly face it even though I don’t have a word or a prayer to describe it to Him. He sees, He felt and He heals.

That morning, I found the God of compassion. My God who provide my needs before I could even know what it was, what it is. He knows my fears, my doubts, my unbelief, my longing, my enviousness. He knew ME. I became a stranger to myself but He knew me and take good care of me in my alienation.

I am deeply moved. Deeply grateful for His perceptiveness. For His unconditional love. I am simply grateful.

Whatever that vision specifically meant….I don’t want to know. All I know is after that, I am moving again to the future that God stored for me. Thank You, Lord Jesus! Maranatha!

Someone’s Quirkiness

​I was playing a game on my cellphone and this pop-up ads just kept on interrupting my serious invasion of my game. I’ve been trying to decipher for weeks now on how to win this particular episode and I’m getting frustrated especially when I almost, almost! mind you, completed the game and it is not meant to be again. Again! (Can’t you tell how frustrated I am?) And this pop-up signs doesn’t help at all. They’re so irritating. I almost throw my cellphone right across my room due to my emotional upheaval. Isn’t it pathetic?

Anyway, as I calmed myself down and took a deep, meditative breath, in, out, in, out, I felt  ridiculous about my reaction to my puny predicament.

Isn’t it so silly when we get irritated by the quirkiness of other people when we have our own weird mannerisms that we are not aware of? I mean, I was so irritated with the pop-up ads lurking on my screen when I knew they will eventually come out. The game that I’m playing at is for free so what do I expect, no ads at all? Not likely. So the truth of the matter is…..that pop-up ads will continue to bother me whether I like it or not or worst, whether I’ll smash my cellphone across the room, they will still stay.

It’s the same with people who irritates us.They will continue to come and go, no matter how much we want to cast them aside of our radar or periphery. Most of the time anyway, we didn’t even know why their weirdness poke our bad side. Some of them were even strangers to us or if they were acquainted with us, they are not doing anything bad towards us. We just hate their guts and we forgot, maybe, they hate ours as well.

As I have a deeper contemplation on this irritants (Ha, ha, ha!), I found myself amused and somewhat feeling kind of stupid because I was taking this way out of proportion. Why do I have to care so much on other people’s silliness, when I have plenty of mine to deal with?

Instead on focusing on their irritable behavior, I should look out for their positive uniqueness. We are all on the same boat. We are all sailing on the deep ocean of life even though we may have different ways, quirky or not, in dealing with it.

I thank God for people who irritates me, one way or the other, because it reminds me to look at myself and see my own weaknesses, to find out my unique idiosyncrasies. It reminds me to love and accept them as they are as I loved myself, weirdness and all and to expand my heart with patience since they too were willing to broaden their hearts for my frailties. Anyway, in the eyes of God, we all look the same, warts and all, we are still His beautiful sons and daughters. And mind you, He is in no way irritated by our individual quirkiness but love us all the more.
Happy Thanksgiving y’all!

Nature’s Best

I love nature. That is why I love traveling. When I am in the middle of a forest or a field or a beach or even a beautiful park in a middle of a metropolis, I felt its peace and positive energy that heightened my lopsided equilibrium and gave it a balance I couldn’t explain. It made me breathe easily, all the tensions were gone and I felt serenity in lieu of chaos inside of me.

But among nature’s best, I am more fascinated with two beautiful creation of God and that is the towering trees with their massive trunks and the beauteous butterflies that dances around happily.

When I looked up in the sky and saw these trees with their leaves swaying with the breeze, making a pattern of shadows on my face and around me, I am in awe of their beauty and hugeness. I felt protected instead of threatened by their stature and how they stand tall telling everyone, I  am who I am and I am proud of it.

For me, trees represents sturdiness, dependability, usefulness and so much more. They give an aura of confidence that no matter what the seasons may hurl at them, they will survive because they are rooted so deep inside the soil, no storms could ever uprooted them. But if for a time, they will be deracinated, their legacy still lingers. Their usefulness goes beyond their dying by giving warmth and tools for God’s people.

I want to aspire like a tree. Deeply rooted in my Savior’s arms that no one could ever pluck me out from Him. I want to sway with the breeze of the Holy Spirit’s fire and be directed by His breath on me to do as He wills. And when the time comes for me to be in heaven, I desire that my legacy will  be use for my Father’s glory because I was a faithful and obedient servant of His.

Trees stand tall in my periphery and the butterflies dances in my reverie.

Whenever I see butterflies hovering around me, it made me smile. Their beauty while fleeting from one place to another and sometimes chooses to land on my shoulder gives me goosebumps and I couldn’t help but stare at their intricate and diversified colors, telling everyone we may not look a like but we are all in harmony.

I see them flapping their wings joyfully not telling what they went through before they get to be in this beautiful stage in their lives. When I crossed upon it, I felt crushed right through the marrow of my bone and had this great respect of their courage and patience in the adversity that they went through as a wiggly, disgusting worm to a nondescript cocoon and eventually, emerging a very beautiful and delicate butterfly, prancing around in merriment. Freedom galore.

I hope to be like them. I pray that when I am in a stage of a worm, crawling down on my belly, feeling so low, I will humbly accept it with hope in my heart knowing that this is just temporary and the wiggling will stop and Someone will lift me up.

And when a cocoon will span it’s chain around me, hibernating, plateaus that continue to suffocate and tried my patience of its silence, I pray for grace not to struggle to be free immaturely. To gain wisdom amid the waiting, hoping, looking for a future that I desired it to be. To have faith that Someone knows the right time for me to mature and embrace His loving discipline for His glory.

Then, I will emerge like a butterfly, full of vigor, ready to conquer the world with its complexities, knowing that me and my Savior is in agreement with my desire and His will for me. A union of camaraderie and deep understanding of two beings, One who is Omnipresent and the one who have a profound love for His presence. Beauty from ashes. Free to roam around with the wings of bountiful colors that stood the test of time.

Tall aspirations and ephemeral dreams, I know, but nothing is impossible. As long as I live, I can still aspire to be a tree and a butterfly with the unending supply of God’s grace, it can be done. I may fall short but God is able…..He is and I’m sure of it. Really, sure of it, indeed.


Too Much To Bear

Tears formed from my eyes

As I stared at the walls
Nothing on my mind

My heart aches and my head hurts
To think what’s beyond this wall
For me to go on and hope

Why is life standing still
When everyone is moving on
I felt all alone

I don’t want to look ahead
It seems it is too much for me
Now is reality, tomorrow? I don’t see

Melancholic, yeah, I know
But what can I do
For now, this is who I am

Struggling to hope
Patience is getting thin
Agitation is settling in

I am selfish right now
I don’t want to think
I want to pay attention to what I feel

It maybe wrong, 
But for me now, it’s right
True to myself, I’ll be alright

As I wrote it down as a poem
I felt a smile crept up on my face
It’s nice to just be true to yourself

And not hide to the world
What’s going on inside
Especially when it hurts

Hope begin to blossom again
It will not let negative vibes in
To ruin my everything

Seeing beyond for now
May be too much to bear
But I’ll let hope come home again