I Am

January 13,2005

In your doubts, I Am Certain
In your chaos, I Am Peace
In your desperation, I Am Hope
In your hate, I Am Love
In your falsehood, I Am Truth
In your indifference, I Am Warmth
In your shallowness, I Am Depth
In your loneliness, I Am Joy
In your fear, I Am Faith
In your past, I Am Future
In your rejection, I Am Acceptance
In your failure, I Am Fulfillment
In your collapse, I Am Sturdy
In your clouds, I Am Sunshine
In your rain, I Am Shelter
In your danger, I Am Protection
In your straying, I Am Home
In your emptiness, I Am Filled
In your unworthiness, I Am Worthy
In your nothingness, I Am Everything
In your searching, I Am Found
In your thirst, I Am a Living Water
In your hunger, I Am Bread
In your seeking, I am a Door
In your questions, I Am an Answer
In your aloneness, I Am a Friend
In your concerns, I Am a Provider
In your illness, I Am a Healer
In your hell, I Am Heaven
I can be what you need Me to be
Because I Am who Am!

*pics by cathydizonperez



I was astray, no sense of direction.

Darkness consumes me.

I was afraid of the world, its uncertainties,

My own strength can’t hold me.

Buffeted by the mighty wind,

Going down again and again.

Nobody sees my vulnerability,

My pretention is perfectly made.

Carrying the load that weighted me,

I asked, “Who am I?” “Where am I going?”

“Am I stuck in this cavernous space?”

Fearful, dejected, defeated.

Even my own shadow flee from me.

What do I need to get out

From this prison that I singlehandedly

Built within me?

Where is that light that other’s say?

What makes them laugh while I wilt away?

Things I’ve done, things I’ve said,

Makes them hurt and ignore me.

Love? Where are you now?

Your unreachable when I needed you most.

It hurts… Every shadow is a threat.

Trust is nil, everything is downhill.

Who cares? What’s up? Who can see me?

A flicker started to boil deep within.

Hope? Are you in?

My bowed head look up.

I saw His smile from a distance.

It beckons me to come closer.

He reached out. I give in.

He grasped. I fall in.

In His arms, I found my delight.

The love that I thought were gone

Is real in His bosom of true love.

Planted, watered by my loved ones prayers.

My path is once again illuminated.

As I chose to embrace His kind of healing

That no medication can cure

Except by being naked before Him.

Who am I? I am His child.

Where am I going? To His Kingdom come.

Unconditional love in its truest form.

No more pretentions, an unadulterated me.

* for someone that i love who’s suffering from borderline depreession…our Lord Jesus and we, your family never stop loving you.

pics by romadowney

Embracing My Trial

Last Sept. 8, 2017, I just had an operation of my two ovaries, fallopian tubes and uterus. I’ve decided to have that operation because it is already depleting me physically, I couldn’t do my work anymore since June and it got worst for the next succeeding months prior to my surgery.
I had bouts of pelvic pain, migraines, low potassium content and hemoglobin in my body, allergies that is getting worst to the point that sometimes I had difficulty in breathing, non-stop bleeding if I don’t take progesterone ( another female hormone that prevents menstruation), nausea, vomiting and constipation, difficulty in urinating, not to mention fevers and chronic fatigue. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis ( a condition in which the layer of tissue that normally covers the inside of the uterus grows outside of it. Most often this is on the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and tissue around the uterus and ovaries; however, in rare cases it may also occur in other parts of the body. ) and multiple Myomas ( benign tumors composed partly of muscle tissue. They seldom develop in the cervix, the lower part of the uterus. When they do, they are usually accompanied by myomas in the larger upper part of the uterus.)
In my case, the endometrium is spreading rapidly outside my uterus that it is already adhering to the other organs in my pelvic region, that when my Obstetrics Gynecologist (ObGen) opened me up, she need to rupture my right ovary during surgery because it is almost completely adhered to the other organs in my pelvic area.
You see, I’ve been diagnosed in 2009 with hormonal cyst on my left ovary and it was cured in 2010. In 2012, I had a new growth in my right ovary and for five years I’ve been battling with it praying for miracle for it to disappear like the last time but God had another plan. My hormones were in topsy-turvy because I had more estrogen hormone ( causes menstruation ) and I lack progesterone hormone that causes my reproductive system to go haywire. I am in my middle forties and it shouldn’t have been a problem but the fact is: I am still single and never had any sexual encounter whatsoever. I dedicated my purity to the Lord since I was seventeen years old and this happened.
In 2009, I questioned the Lord of the ovarian cyst. Why it happened to me since I wasn’t promiscuous and so on and so forth. My heart were heavy and full of fears of the big C which is cancer to occur in my body.
When I was diagnosed again with the same case but became more serious from cyst to endometrial hyperplasia ( an endometrial inflammation) as the months and years goes by, I think, I get used to it that I just go with the flow of the treatment and have hoped and prayed for another miracle without undergoing under the knife. Then, things go from serious to severe and the one thing that I am dreading for is now the only cure: surgery.
I got down on my knees before the Lord and check my heart. Am I ready to never have children coming from my womb? Am I ready to be alone for the rest of my life without a husband since having a child is an important part of having a family and I couldn’t have one? Will I regret this decision later on? Will I regret serving the Lord and waited for His chosen husband for me? Will I regret my decision to be pure for Him? Will I blame the Lord for all of this and lose my faith or be angry with him for this circumstances when loneliness and doubts assail my mind? And so many more questions bombarded my heart and I told the Lord everything that is bothering me at that moment and lo and behold, the peace of God which is beyond understanding flooded my heart.
I knew this surgery is His will and I surrendered to it. This is His cure and His miracle. I knew that when I obey, He will give me the grace to accept it and be free.
When I decided to embrace the trial with love and acceptance with peace in my heart, I knew that the grace of God will carry me through the surgery, the after care and the years to come as a single or a married person. And the fears and questions just evaporated as I heartily embraces the will of God for me.
After the surgery, I am joyful with my decision because I felt so free. I am now free to do whatever I want in serving the Lord without the physical encumbrances that I’ve encountered before. I can dance again for Him, travel to places and spread His Word, write and sing for Him and worship Him again with my brothers and sisters in Christ during prayer meetings that I’ve missed for the past six months of this year, not to mention, to get back to my work as healer to God’s people.
My reaction in 2009 is burdensome but my response this year is freedom. A much more appropriate acceptance of the way life sometimes go no matter how difficult it maybe because I am still here on earth not in heaven where true health, pure joy and unconditional love is felt.
I thank God for His miracle. He didn’t only cured my body but He also cured my spirit. Now, after three months after the surgery, I didn’t feel any regrets or entertain any doubts or fears because I know I made the right decision.
And when all these questions will suffice, the Lord surely will give me the grace to surpass it whether He wants me married or single for the rest of my life because God knows what’s best for me. Amen!

*pics by gatewayworship

Another Perspective

As I was reading my Bible today, I came across this passage, Luke 19:10; “For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”
Then, suddenly, flashes of news about murders, rapes, terrorism, slavery, prostitution, kidnappings, and other heinous crimes and even petty ones flooded my mind. I felt my eyes started to moisten and my heart being squeezed until it hurt so much, I burst into tears. I felt this immense compassion for the people who committed these unthinkable crimes.
You see, every time I watch some news on T. V., my initial reaction is to have compassion for the victims, the families and friends who felt the loss and the pain of their loved ones and I pray for them. Most of the time, I forgot to pray for the perpetrators because my first reaction is hatred and revulsion of the crimes they’ve acted upon. For me it’s very unthinkable why do they do what they did and find myself thinking or questioning if they still have a heart left somewhere in their system. I just couldn’t understand how a human being could be so cruel to act that way.
And this passage today made me understand why…..This is the reason why Jesus came as a babe on that one fateful night in that manger…… This is the reason why He lived for 33 years to preached and teach about the kingdom of God…..This is the reason why He performed miracles and give light wherever He goes…..And this is the reason why He did His Father’s will and died on the Cross…’s for them, for us, for me.
I forgot for a long time that I was once like them. A sinner saved by grace.
I was so comfortable with my saved self that I forgot to embrace the people that I was suppose to pray for. Instead, I ridiculed them, bad-mouth them just because I felt that I am above them now that I am already in tune with our Father in heaven. Am I?
Today, I realized, I lost that connection everytime I forget to pray for my fellow sinners and have compassion for them. I fail to love the sinners and hate the sin and I repented before my Father.
Then, my tears flow again, this time with so much love and compassion for them that I started to pray for their salvation and healing. They do not know what they’re doing and if they ever do, the more prayer and supplications came forth from my heart bursting through my body through tears and anguish that I couldn’t utter a word. Just this groaning inside of me that I couldn’t prevent nor stop. This is what Jesus felt and by grace, I had a glimpse of Jesus love and compassion for His beloved.
Oh, Jesus, You love us. You died for us. Please forgive us sinners. Lift us up from this miry clay and cleanse us with your precious blood and make us white as snow. Show us the narrow road once again that we may walk in it, neither turning to the left nor to the right but will seek your kingdom here on earth. Give us a heart of flesh not of stone that we may always have compassion for others and help us not to seek our own selfish ways but be in tune to the Father’s will like You did. In Your Name, Amen.

“For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” Luke 19:10

Bible Offline

*pics by cathydizonperez

Is This Just a Dream?

What is it about you? Every time I find myself admiring or loving another man, you just paved your way into my dreams as if subconsciously, you’re telling me, you own me. Do you?

What is it about you? Every time we met, I don’t have any idea of what’s going on in your mind since, I haven’t sense any ounce of interest when your eyes met mine. Have you?

What is it about you? I don’t even know if we have something in common. The only thing I know is you love to travel, love music and you love to watch movies like I do. Maybe?

What is it about you? In my dreams, you are my best friend and lover but in reality, we don’t even say hi to each other much less be romantic since we’re not friends or together. Can we?

What is it about you? When I go back to read David’s profile, my husband’s character, a reminder, it fits you perfectly to a tee that it became a little bit scary. Are you?

What is it about you? All I know is that I must pray about this since I’ve been dreaming about you for nine years now, is not a coincidence anymore but you are so much more. You knew?

What is it about you? In my dreams, you are the measurement of what a Godly man should be. You are an angel that God sent into my dreams to tell me I shouldn’t lower down my standard of who I should marry. Is it you?

What about you? Do you dream about me? Are we meant to be? Do you pray for me to wait for you? Is it all about me, too? Tell me….Do you?


Ah! Suffering! What are you made of?

You who give us tears and pain.

You who made our hearts aflame 

With regret and shame.

Why do you exist in our world?

When all we ever want 

Is a place of acceptance and

Happiness abound.

We care a lot and lost,

We dream high and fall,

We trusted and betrayed,

We did everything and then, nothing…

The weight is weighing us down.

We wonder if this is the end 

And be all of our existence.

Our dreams made more sense than reality.

We woke dreading our lives

Not knowing if we will again survive

Or we just have to end it all, 

To be free, to let go, a choice, a plan

If this is the only thing 

That this world could offer?

Then, are we born only to suffer?

Where is the respite in that!

Then, why do we still need to live?

What made us endure everything!

What does it takes for us to go on and on….

And accept suffering as a gift…..Why? What?

That flicker of hope bind us to move on.

Love made us do things beyond our comfort zone.

Our passion continues to prod us to get up.

And our loved ones shared the burden with us.

It’s an empty life without suffering…

This heavy word taught us to be selfless,

To endure, to persevere, molding our characters,

Creating a person who really live rather than exists.

It is a very important ingredient. 

For a very special, well-prepared dish

That add flavors to our tongue and palate.

To make our world a better place.

When Jesus suffered on the Cross,

It wasn’t demanded nor coerced by His Father

It was His unconditional choice, His obedience

Because He love us His wayward brood.

That suffering of Christ means passion.

He is so passionate about His love for us 

That He endured the beatings and nailing

Just for a frail human being like us.

As for me, I am imitating my Savior.

I am passionate, I am willing to suffer for His sake.

Because I am loved, I am blessed, I am bound for Heaven.

That’s where suffering can’t reach me then I am FREE!

Free at last!

Can You Trust Me, Too?

Child, I Am your God,

Your loving and Almighty Father.
In my mind, I have this question,
Can I have your truest answer.

You can trust your earthly father
since you were a mere child,
until now that you’re a grown-up,
you turned to him to provide.

You can trust your earthly doctor,
to cure your every sickness.
Obeying their way of treatment
not questioning their diagnosis.

You love to trust your earthly lover,
their intimacy you sought with longing.
Your heart longs for their deepest care.
Even though at times, you are hurting.

You can trust your earthly work,
to give you security in your future.
The tiredness, you always overlooked,
forgetting that rest is also necessary.

You can trust things for fun.
New inventions for entertainment,
not knowing it’ll subtly corrupt your mind
that steal the true joy I could give you.

Child, can you trust me, too?
To provide for your every need
To heal your every illness
Because I love you so?

Can you trust me, too?
To comfort your adversities
To offer my way of satisfaction
Because of my love for you?

Can you trust me, too?
To love and care for you
Much more than they can do
Because I love you, so?

Child, can you trust me, too?