My Alienation 

I woke up feeling disoriented, melancholic….so out of my element. I don’t even want to get up. This is a very unusual feeling for me because in totality I am a very optimistic person and I always find good reasons to get up and to live for another day even in a very dire circumstances. This person who woke up this morning is the opposite of me.

I groggily forced myself to sit up on my bed and tried to pray, the very first thing I always do in the early morning hour but my flesh gave out and my mind went blank. My heart is beating sluggishly as if the only choice it was beating because I am still basically alive and nothing more. I am devoid of my will to do anything…..

I sat there for I don’t know how long and close my eyes, asking the help of the Holy Spirit to save me….because I don’t know what is wrong with me and why am I like this…..

I sat and waited…..and waited…..quietly…..profound…..placid…..Until I started to open my mouth and words came out without me understanding what I am talking about….spewing rapidly like a cascading waterfall. It drum in my ears and found myself speaking in tongues, profusely. It came and came getting louder, transforming me into a meditative state then all of a sudden……I saw a big vision of my mouth spewing letters and musical notes rising above my prone sitting position on my bed were lights shimmered above my head. I looked up and two Angles went down to gather all the letters and musical notes unto Heaven and placed it all at the feet of our risen King Jesus Christ.

I saw Him sitting on His throne, robed in majesty with a crown laden with precious gems on top of His head but all I could sense is His compassionate eyes looking down at me where I saw me kneeling down infront of Him.

I bowed my head and a lone tear fell down and another and another. I felt His finger on my lips and I looked at Him with my tears blurring my vision. He said, “Shhhh…..” and wiped my tears with His finger, “….Trust Me. Everything will be okay.” And He continue wiping my tears as I cried and sobbed. Wailing my heart out while He was stooping down wiping my tears away saying over and over again to trust Him because everything will gonna be okay.

I found myself sobbing tremendously when my vision faded away. I couldn’t utter another word of prayer since my tears says it all. After awhile, I felt joyful again. The burden has been lifted but I still didn’t know what that was all about.

You see, for the past six years, I’ve been through a lot. Been sick, getting in and out of the hospitals for five consecutive times confined on a hospital bed for days not counting the times I was brought to the emergency rooms and go home the same day, depleted finances for hospital bills, medicines and doctor fees, last year, office been burglarized and on top of it all, at the end of the year, my childhood home where I was staying turned to dust by fire and I was left with nothing but the clothes I wore that night.

I took it all in in strides. Not losing hope, bravely faced everything with my humor intact and my faith, though sometimes waver and I’ve been disheartened, decided to continue living with a smile on my face.

 

I thought I was okay…….. I am okay……

And that morning happened……The Lord sees I wasn’t okay…..I am not okay.

In my state of denial, the Lord saw and felt the unknown. He felt my deepest pain that I buried deep down inside me. He unearthed it from the grave and made me starkly face it even though I don’t have a word or a prayer to describe it to Him. He sees, He felt and He heals.

That morning, I found the God of compassion. My God who provide my needs before I could even know what it was, what it is. He knows my fears, my doubts, my unbelief, my longing, my enviousness. He knew ME. I became a stranger to myself but He knew me and take good care of me in my alienation.

I am deeply moved. Deeply grateful for His perceptiveness. For His unconditional love. I am simply grateful.

Whatever that vision specifically meant….I don’t want to know. All I know is after that, I am moving again to the future that God stored for me. Thank You, Lord Jesus! Maranatha!  

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