When my tears fell and my heart is constricted because of too much heaviness, I allow it to consume me. At the end of the road, when things will be clearer and the pain is much more bearable, I knew I am much more stronger.
I don’t play hide and seek with pain because no matter what I do or how much I try to hide, pretend or deny it, the dagger that is stabbing my heart will continue to embed deeper and deeper when I refuse to acknowledge its existence and try to tell myself that I am alright when I am not, is just a waste of time…..this pain will continue to haunt me for the longest time.
Pain as much as it is so unpleasant, the loss, the betrayal, the rejection can seep out all of my strength and leave me hapless and broken but it is a manifestation of my vulnerability and my ability to care, to love….deeply, truly because I always believe that hurt will never enter my heart if I wasn’t brave enough to risk my heart to be split in two because of another human being who I decided to trust and love with all I have.
Pain points me to my heart who longs for someone to love even when it was being torn apart over and over again because loving someone is my lifeline, my desire, my need, my dream, my want. It is still my choice, my longing to be part of someone bigger than I am knowing that this same person could easily break me apart anytime.
Pain is my reality check that I am not alone in this world and I will never be alone in this world. Because no matter how it hits me over and over again, my heart will continue to hope, to dream, to live that someday I will love again and be loved again and all the past hurts will be worth it in the end. It will not froze my heart to stay cold and be done with love just because I’ve been sliced up and bled, for me it is not a reason to close off everything when I still wake up in the morning and I breathe again.
I could never love without hurting. I could never be a better person if I didn’t went through those process that tested my strength, my endurance, my perseverance and my faith in life that says humanity is not perfect. I live in a world of colored glasses where inevitable is present, where my world is twisted with so much angst and myths that made labyrinth of my emotions and thoughts that causes me to be hurt and unknowingly hurt others as well.
I took a deep breath as a searing pain entered my heart again. Automatically, tears cascaded, a thinned lips that tries to hold back the sob at the back of my throat and a red running nose that keeps on sniffing, trying to suppress its watery discharge from mingling with all the other elements distorting my once normal face . A physical sign of my distress that I couldn’t successfully hide from myself even if I can hide it with everyone else.
My pain is necessary. It is the most helpful tool for me to grow, to be strong, to overcome, to hope and to love again wisely. This is an unending cycle of living and loving. I am grateful that it always grip me from time to time, telling me that life is never been a bed of roses, the thorns are present to protect me from destroying my illogical wants and purifies it to help my maturity in dealing with life, love and most especially with humanity.
After all, I am just imitating My Savior who welcomed pain and embraced it on the Cross when He chooses to give it all to His beloved, giving them the choice to reject, abandon, deny and betray Him. But despite all that He still love them, us, me and suffered all the pain until death took Him away. The ultimate sacrifice until pain is beyond His grasp and eternal joy became His reward.
My Savior embraced it, lived with it and died for it…..who am I to complain. I never tasted pain as much as He does, physically and emotionally. I couldn’t be at par with Him and in the end, my pain became His pain because He understood. He will never leave me nor forsake me and that’s a promise of a trustworthy Man that I’ve hurt and still continue to hurt until now who never stop loving me.
His unconditional love gives me the grace to embrace what makes my heart constricted and bled since He deeply embraced it Himself. His example makes my pain more bearable, acceptable. It maybe masochistic but with a love like His….it’s so much more than I could ever asked for.
Jesus love you ❤