Archive | January 2016

The Shroud

I am just sitting at a corner.
Too numb to move
even my little finger.
Staring into nothingness,
my time just wasting away.

Butterflies flutters inside.
My heart jostle along
with each erratic beat.
Not knowing whether
to be excited or in dread.

Couldn’t think, couldn’t focus
of what will happen next.
Everything is in darkness,
not dangerous just a plateau,
serene yet trying to break free.

I felt out of breath
at the same time holding it in.
Too weary to move but
too stubborn to give up.
Fighting to live again.

This is those moment
when plans get askew
and you lost your bearings,
just pondering, waiting,
trying to peep on the horizon.

Deciphering what lies ahead.
What does it takes to grasp
that elusive niche again?
Squeezing hard your heart 
for an answer to live, to stand.

Too much space to think
but too tiny to put some action.
That lazy bones kept pestering
until the disease is gnawing,
swallowing the self to move on.

Somehow in the middle
of those thought provoking, 
downward spiral swirling above,
a jolt of hope kick you on your butt,
telling you to fight within your gut.

You look up and you see differently.
Nah! I’m not as pitiful as I thought I’ll be.
The future is brighter even if I can’t see.
That shroud will be discarded even if 
it looks amorphous in what I am today.

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Jesus love you ❤

Hanging by a Thread

I felt everything is closing in.
Suffocating me,
Muddling my brain,
Can’t breathe, no oxygen,

Losing, hanging, 
Want to let go
So easy, who cares,
Just barely gripping…

Aching heart, watery eyes,
How much more could I take?
What’s behind all these?
Is it going somewhere?

Need to know….
Patience is getting nil…
So vulnerable,…
So out of sync.

I can’t……can I?
What for? Is it worth it?
Who will understand?
It’s so painful…deep-seated…

I am weary,
Come rescue me.
Lift my hand.
Show me…..

I am hanging still.
Hope is still there.
The minute light is flickering…
The only thing I am living.

“Go on.” It says….
With tears in my eyes,
I said, “Yes.”
In the midst of my heart break.

I am nothing 
until I have you.
That flickering light
that continues to glow.

Now, I see how tiny I can be.
But still you wont let go of me.
You still see me in my frailty
Lord, take hold of me…

I trust you with my journey.
Your way is grander than my way.
Please just hold me dearly
when I am hanging helplessly…

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Jesus love you ❤

I Do (Not) Belong…..

I just lost our childhood house where I lived since I was three years old to a devastating fire last December 26,2015. What I had left was the clothes that I wore that night and my shoulder bag with just my cellphone, tablet and some money from my purse.

I was crying so hard when the house that my parents established for forty-something years went up in smoke. Everything is gone. But I thank God, that I am alive and well along with my relatives and renters who lived with me.

When my muddled brain cleared up and my emotional state stood still and settled down, there were certain things that I’ve realized:

First….I wasn’t crying or saddened by what happened because of the house and the material things that were in it, my heart was broken because of the beautiful things that happened in that house. Those things now became a memory of fights, love, hurts, triumphs, celebrations, defeats, healths, illnesses, laughter and tears that shows on the used beds, chairs, rooms, pictures and personal things that showcases our strengths and weaknesses as a family, as individuals and as a whole unit of our society. It is a physical manifestation that we lived, struggled, reconciled and made way to be who we are right now. We seem to have lost everything but we were not devastated nor do we feel neglected. We came out more stronger than ever because it came to a point that I’ve realized that the house were may be pulverized but my home is still present in our hearts because of my family whom I could still share the grandiose memories of yesteryears….over and over again….

It is not in vain…..I am still gaining……after all.

Secondly…..As I recall every single personal treasures that I accumulated through the years given to me through my birthdays, Christmases, Valentines and other special occasions, I couldn’t help but sigh and wiped a tear from my eye not because of the “things” but because of the people who gave it to me and the love that accompanied those gifts when they decided to show their love to me. I miss the things that reminded me of their care in their own big, small, expensive and inexpensive ways. I kept them all because I knew their love for me is unconditionally enormous without expecting anything in return. It was a reminder to me when I am alone and felt the world were crashing down on me that these special people will always be there to carry me again to smile, to love, to never give up, to share through my pain and open up my heart to love freely again. Gifts that only my Saviour could make a way to crossed my path to theirs to show me how much the Lord loved me through them.

Then, it dawned on me….their gifts may disappear like a mist but the people who gave those gifts to me were still with me. What was lost were just “things” but the most important ones that I will never ever lose were their love and care for me. I am still in their midst…. I am still in their hearts as they are with mine. Thank you, Lord for my family, relatives and friends you blessed me with. You know how much I love you, guys. God bless you all!

Last but not the least…..I was surprised and overwhelmed by God’s grace of acceptance and strength that I manifested that night and even up to these days. It’s been two weeks now, I am still making my Clinic ( the other house owned by my parents) as a temporary room to sleep in and do my personal stuff until the renter at the back will vacate the place so we could finally settle down for good. The patience that the Lord has gifted me with in this uncertain situation made me see and feel what the Scripture says:

Not that I say this because of need, for I have learned, in whatever situation I find myself, to be self-sufficient.

I know indeed how to live in humble circumstances; I know also how to live with abundance. In every circumstance and in all things I have learned the secret of being well fed and of going hungry, of living in abundance and of being in need.

I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me. (Philippians 4:11-13)

This is the greatest blessing that the Lord bestowed on me. The contentment of living to the full in spite of the seemingly insurmountable circumstances. The attitude to never ask the word “why” but decided with peace in my heart to trust the God of the circumstance. My God who knows and knew everything. I now realized that I am maybe in this world but I am not of this world. To excitedly hope for the future that My God is holding on for me (Jeremiah 29:11). I am now in the state of my life where I am sitting at the palm of His hand. Resting peacefully. Relying soundly. Standing tall because My God is true to His promises.

2016 for me is not just a new year. It is a year of hope, promises fulfilled, “bone-crushing,satan-down-for-messing-up-with-me” mode, a new growth, starting all over again, forgetting what lies behind but moving forward to what is ahead. It is a season of nothingness to something else. A season of grace not of shame. An emptiness that paves the way for fullness. A great light in the midst of darkness and laughter in the surprising events in this world. My greatest achievement is when you’re down to nothing but still live with confidence not because of what I have or I don’t have but because I am His beloved child and that’s my true identity.

Now, I am patiently waiting. Being still ’cause My Lord will never fail nor abandon me.

He is faithful…..with Him, their is such a thing as forever. Amen! All glory to God!😁😁😁

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Jesus love you ❤