Kismet

As a forty something single woman, temptations were just lurking behind every nook and cranny in my life. Every cobwebs that entangles me to do something I shouldn’t continues to entice me as I waited for that one special person to sweep me off my feet or simply make my heart beat. I don’t have a specific answer if you’ll ask me why I waited and why I didn’t succumb to the pressure of getting hitch because of my age. Frankly, I really don’t know.

Some people said my standards were high, I need to lower it down. Some says I am too picky, that with my status, the ocean on my side is not teeming with fishes for me to reel in. And others thought, I am cheering at the same team but just suppressing it, (mind you, this is the funniest thought they can come up with since my ultimate crushes were Chaning Tatum and Johnny Depp, not their spouses :)). Anyway, different reasons and alibis were hurled at me and somehow, some time in my life especially when I found myself still alone during my thirties that all these reasons made me question and ponder if I am really foolish to wait or if I am one of those speculations they thought of. ( Really, I did thought about it especially the cheering side ).

As I waited for years and matured not only biologically but also mentally (hope so :)), I went through a lot of roller coaster ride of emotions ranging from melancholies to falling in love of “being in love”, from one boyfriend to another, even went through online dating but still it didn’t work out. True love is still hovering beyond the horizon and my biological clock is ticking so rapidly, I am afraid to breathe because it might soared high before I could even blink.

Just when I thought of giving up on my dream of being a wife and a mother, the peace of God descended in my heart and I found my tranquility in the midst of my questions, confusions and delusions. That peace gives me hope, a flicker of light that continues to blossom inside my too battered heart. Bitterness, self-pity, disappointments, even anger on Gods unfairness of dealing with His daughter who tried so hard to do His will vanished. It dissolves into nothingness and in that well of dryness springs the most profound emotion I could find, the love of my Father who knows His subject, who knew what He is doing with my life or rather my lovelife.

He gifted me with the certainty that what I desired for will come to pass and it is worth the wait. I don’t know why He made me wait this long. I don’t speculate anymore of things beyond my understanding. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and His ways are higher than mine so I just fold my hand, bowed down to the ground and lifted up my hearts desire in supplication of His sovereignty over me.

This faith will be my foundation to continue hoping, believing that my kismet is nearer than I thought, waiting to be unfolded before my very eyes in His perfect time, in His perfect will.

My God is a God of order and He knows when, who and why. All I ever need to do while waiting is to keep still before Him, to get rid of the harriedness and to do things He wanted me to do at this moment. Because what I’ve learned of when I wait? This is the time to be molded, prodded and carried on to be a person of who He wants me to be.

I believe His Word. I believe His sovereignty. I believe His Kingship, that’s why I don’t want to succumb. I’d rather wait for my destiny…..not with my hand but with the will written in His palm,  His choice, my mate, my eternity.

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Jesus love you ❤

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