Archive | June 2015

I’ve Waited

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Years passed by, it’s been a long time.
I wonder if I will hear the bell chime.

The longing in my heart cannot be appease.
As I waited for my love to be release.

How long will I wait? I really don’t know?
But my prayer for this person started to grow.

He is yet so far but in my heart so very near.
As I listen with my heart beat in my ear.

The joy deep within as I think of him.
Keep me believing we can be a team.

Two hearts that beat in one accord.
That cannot be broken by time or discord.

My heart waited! Oh, how I wait.
And I will continue to wait, wait and wait!

Jesus love you ❤

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Loving Him

I want to know his mind…..
His thoughts, ideas, dreams, daydreams, plans, melancholies, probing, curiosities, building-up, itineraries, scattering, ignorance, follies, foibles, opinions, innocence, learning, intelligence, failures, imaginations, staring, nothingness, understanding, comprehension, dawning, waywardness, wandering, stillness, fantasies, realities, pride, stubbornness, humility, hardheadedness, willingness, confusions, certainties, inquiries, lewdness, presumptions, assumptions, conclusions, compromises, doubts…..
Knowing all these…..still…..
I will choose to love his mind.

I want to know his heart…..
His love, cares, fears, strength, worries, weaknesses, halfheartedness, sorrows, pains, sadness, loneliness, joys, sacrifices, silence, peacefulness, acceptance, giving, enviousness, jealousies, anger, impatience, spiritedness, courage, patience, disappointments, happiness, discouragements, hopelessness, exuberance, boldness, cowardice, noise, chaos, forgiveness, rejections, abandonment, neediness, straying, home, family, crippling, confidence, selfishness, trust, fullness, emptiness, selflessness, vulnerabilities, truthfulness, standing-up, moving on, risks, hopefulness…..
Knowing all these…..still…..
I will choose to love his heart.

I want to know his soul…..
His faith, uniqueness, personality, character, self-control, spirituality, relationships, beliefs, unbelief, questions, uncertainties, aloneness, specialization, idiosyncracies, holiness, whole-being, self-righteousness, importance, securities, depth, temptations, darkness, sinfulness, meekness, immobility, perfectionism, imperfections, intricacies, desires, guilt, commitments, values, virtues, preparations, wonders, awes, chasm, grace, life, wholeness, breathing…..
Knowing all these…..still…..
I will choose to love his soul.

I want to know his physique…..
His hugs, touch, caress, kiss, passion, tucking, tickles, laughter, smile, frown, concentration, distraction, walk, run, dance, talents, texture, face, gait, sweetness, slumber, hobbies, fun, sports, colors, music, books, interest, facade, blemishes, tears, sobbing, jokes, antics, lameness, shouts, teachings, searching, paleness, vibrancy, togetherness, nearness, chemistry, connection, eyes, conversations, irks, cuddling, quirks, posture, odor, fragrance, stance, voice, timbre…..
Knowing all these…..still…..
I will choose to love his physique.

Through all these knowing, it is still my decision
my risk, my choice to love him…..

Faith, hope and love remains,
but the greatest of these is love…..
It never fails,
So, I am committed to love him still…..

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Jesus love you ❤

Loneliness…..

Sometimes loneliness gripped me like a shackle in chain. My heart constricted with longing I just can’t evade nor discard. It is just there embedded within my heart for a time, an hour, a day, a week but I embraced it fully knowing this too shall pass.

Loneliness makes me dream in desperation. It makes me want to grasp and face the longing of my heart. It makes me see that I still need to move on and long for something better, something great that I needed in my life. This emotion is contrary to depression because the latter points you to longing without hope, settling and getting stuck while the former in a positive context nudges you to struggle to get out and reach out to what were missing inside your heart that you really dreamed of.

It maybe a spouse, a child, a companion, a friend, a family, a community. Someone you could relate to, to have fun with, to understand, to care, to love. Loneliness is not a negative feeling. It is the epitome of companionship, of camaraderie, that we need people beside us, that we are not alone. It is a longing to belong, to share what we have and be accepted.

That is why I embrace it fully. It gives me a sense of freedom to long for something even though at times I don’t even know what I was longing for. And for those times I do know, it became my opportunity to give my supplication to God and tell Him what I longed for. A scene that many times moved me more closer to Him.

Loneliness made me face my inadequacy of being alone. It made me move when complacency became a routine and my soul needed something to prod me to pray, to dream and to face the fact that I needed someone not in discouraging desperation but in belongingness. To help me grow, walk, run and if possible, fly.

Right now my loneliness points me to my Savior to whom I owe every good things in life and that includes this loneliness that I’m feeling. Maybe, this feeling is pointing me to the greatest longing of all, being home in Heaven where all wrong emotions vanish and love prevails. Love unconditional. Love that surpasses. Love itself is present, on the throne and loneliness vanquish, never to be dealt with again and again and again…..

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Jesus love you ❤

Alone

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my heart is bigger…………….and few………..knows,

so much love to give…………and few………..sees,

i hurt deeply……………………and few………..feels,

longing desperately………….and few………..cares,

tears cascading……………….and few……….notices,

laughter ringing……………….and few……….hears,

wanting an embrace…………and few……….longs,

stimulating conversation…..and few……….speaks,

need a loving touch………….and few………..hugs,

hungry for admiration……….and few……….gives,

an imaginative mind…………and few……….affirms,

is someone interested?…….and nobody…..listens,

really listens……

Jesus love you ❤
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Forbidden Calm

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Onslaught of dreaded shivers
run through the spine,
Hoofbeats suddenly racing,
drowning the minds.

Laughing faces of terror
surrounds the chilly night,
Being drag to the wilderness
by evil bearing hearts.

A dagger of lasting pain
struck in blissful sigh,
An eerie sound of claim,
clouding the cry of shame.

After a long wait for time,
nectar of redness came,
In the battered flowers soul,
charm of stillness reign.

Is there an air of ending
in this derelict stream,
Who will conquer the flow?
Give peace a chance to grow?

Jesus love you ❤

When Tragedy Strikes

I love watching documentaries. Sometimes I spent hours watching from one topic after another. Learning things and facts along the way.

Last night, I came across children who were abducted, became sex slaves and been in captivity for days, months and even years. The longest recorded is eighteen years in captivity with her predator and his wife. She was just eleven then and been freed when she was in her late twenties with two teen daughters fathered by the fiend.

My heart just broke…..

Then all of a sudden, tragedy upon tragedy, projected through my mind. People I’ve known who lost their love ones from an unexpected storm surge, earthquake from a nearby island, a housemate of mine who lost her dad, her mom going through so many surgeries because they were rained down by bullets while sleeping inside their home and a friend of mine today who I look up to suddenly died of cardiac arrest.

My heart bled…..again and again and again.

Tears formed in my eyes and for the first time I don’t have any words to say. I am speechless. No adjectives could ever describe what I feel inside and the only thing I could think of is, if my heart is breaking into pieces, how much more  the victims who survived their ordeal, the families who loved them, who waited, who long for their return but it’s not possible anymore. My mind felt numb from the agony I knew they went through.

I couldn’t even empathize with them because i haven’t been in their shoe and the only thing I could do is to give them sympathy on their plight, pray and support them in silence. No form of sympathetic words I could utter can ease the pain that they were going through. I couldn’t give them the reassurances that they need why this is happening to them because I do too don’t have the answer to this agonizing circumstance in there lives.

And while I was pondering and praying, I felt a surge of deep respect and wonder to these people who went through tragedies and survived. I found there strength in battling the evil into good a heroic feat because if I am in their shoe, I don’t know if I have the strength to face it all and not wanting to die.

But then they say you can never see the resiliency and strength of a human being unless you are in the midst of the circumstance. Sometimes, humans coping mechanism in battling tragedies or evil circumstances is mind-boggling. For that girl who were abducted and been captive for eighteen years and survived is for me a miracle. Her hope, faith and strength is extraordinary and even though my heart’s been shredded into bits, her survival is a testament to God’s amazing grace.

I don’t know why God allows tragedies to happen to an individual, a family, a community or a country. All I know is that in everything, there is a reason behind it. I may not understand nor fathom or it may cause so much pain but the reality is, this world is still the playground of the evil one who roam around trying to disrupt the lives of God’s children. And it gives me so much hope when God turned a tragedy into a life of change, the unforgivable to forgiveness, hatred to love and brokenness to wholeness once again.

Satan may from time to time get the upper cut in our world but God is still in His throne and He can still bestow miracles of healing, restoration and peace to those who suffers a lot from the evil one through nature’s fury, sickness or those people who made the wrong choice to worship.

Everything is not lost and even if we still  encounter evil things happening in our planet, we are assured that this too is temporary and when the time comes for the True King to take His place as ruler of the earth, there will never be tears nor sorrow in His dominion and that’s what our faith is all about. Our hope of eternal life.

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Jesus love you ❤

The Enemy Called Idleness

When I suffered physical oppression that limits my physical ability to do vigorous work, I had plenty of time to just lay down and do nothing. Some days I was contented to just read or watch movies but when it went on year after year, the complacency and boredom sets in. Then my mind became my playground and negative thoughts sprout one by one and became my companions. I felt my spiritual well-being made a downward spiral that leaves me bereft and barren.

My prayers, devotions and spiritual exercises that before I enthusiastically was doing became a robotic phase that I do everyday because of the mundane routine I was going through. I’ve sinned time and again, wanting to get up but falls short and found myself struggling to get out of the valley that I gladly wanted to sink myself into.

There are times I was too lazy even going to Church on Sunday because I was contented just laying down and play around in my imagination not knowing that I was now living in a very dangerous ground of idleness, a plateau that continues to consume my productivity, my joy and most of all, my relationship with my God.

But somehow, in His goodness, He made me realized that when I accepted Him to be my Lord and Savior, He will never forsake nor abandon me no matter how far I succumb to a negative circumstance that I thought now is my fate.

He stirs my heart to dream again until I became restless, discontent with the way I was living. Somehow, my heart just awaken from a very long and deep sleep that I felt ready to burst forth but the problem is, I don’t even know what to do. I was rearing to go, to get up but I don’t know what was jumping inside my heart that my mind couldn’t grasp.

I started to pray earnestly again. To ask God of what it is He wants from me and for me. Through the years of my experience, I knew this kind of stirring is a fruition of a revelation from my God who wants the best for me.

Day after day, I waited for His direction and as months past by, I didn’t even know, he is drawing me out of my complacency. He is lovingly restoring my lazy bones into a sturdy one to make me leap again and be excitedly live my life to the full.

As a vision started to conform inside my heart and made a connection into my brain, the Lord provided for me people and means to help me construct a dream and turn it into a building of reality.

Now, I’m living that dream. I now have the freedom to tell people and eventually the world of what I think, feel, learned and will learn through writing down my thoughts and vivid imaginations about who I was, I am in my relationship with people around me and most of all, my relationship with my Savior.

This gift that I was hiding since I was just a little girl flows out from the barricade of shyness, insecurities and  I’m-not-good-enough kind of attitude by the sheer coercion (pardon my adjective) of a God who wouldn’t let me swallow in idleness. He love me too much to let this gift dies a certain death when I deliberately bury it at the utmost recesses of my heart and mind because of my alibis.

Now, I am joyfully lying down on my back, busily typing in conjuring up scenarios of what I’ve learned from my journey in life and my delicate observations of life in general.

As I write my poetry, reflections, stories and even composing songs (still gathering excellent materials to publish it properly), I am sharing my vulnerability to strangers that I’ve never done before and if you know me, I am a very private person and I don’t like being a center of attention hence the hiding of all my materials through  the years is giant step for me.

The Lord won’t allow my false sense of humility to flourish because He wants me to share this talent of expressing myself through the pen or rather the electronic touch he had given me to the world who needed some encouragement from all the garbage we accumulated through the years,

I don’t care if just one person is reading my stories or if they will agree or disagree with me, all I know is that I am obeying the stirring in my heart (the Lord will not let me sleep if I don’t write it anyway) and I love the sense of freedom and joy it brought into my life.

I’ve lost something but I gain so much more that I really enjoy and love. My God knows what I need even when I was blind to see it beforehand. What will happen to this blog of mine? I really don’t know. I don’t care about the technicalities. All I know is my God had a plan and when He sets His mind to it, I will be use by Him no matter where I am, who I am and what my circumstance is dictating to me. No man nor principalities can thwart what God intended to write on a rock. He will do what He gotta do and all I have to do is to obey and see it happens in my life.

Now, I thank God for my physical limitations. He let me see that He will not allow idleness to permanently tattoo their grip on me. I may succumb to its lure for a time but my God will do anything to loosen its tentacles in my life as long as I didn’t stop letting Him hold me to go back to the right track again.

I owe it all to the Lord. The plateaus in my life are a just reminder of my need for my Savior. He will continue to rescue me again and again to climb back up to challenge my growth in His care and loving embrace as His child and as a Christian who have faith in His fathomless plan for me.

Idleness has been use by God to woke me up from my dream to my reality and made me face that impossibility is not in God’s vocabulary.

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Jesus love you ❤