Archive | May 2015

Permanent Change

Heart thumping like the hooves of horses springing from a race, I opened the gate and stood there looking so calmed and controlled. I waited for almost an eternity before I got accustomed to the deafening silence that greeted me. Suppressing a shudder that tends to break my calmed demeanor, I scantily eyed the place.

It was so serene, breathtaking but somewhat disturbing like being divided between sleep and wakefulness, trying so hard to hold on to your dreams because you’re so afraid to face the dreaded reality. I suddenly brushed off a stray hair that falls on my forehead, thinking in doing so, I might erase the trance of animosity that seared my soul.

I leisurely walked down the pavement, smelling all the way the myriad of flowers surrounding the entire vicinity. I sat down on the bench beside a tree and suddenly forgot my eerie feeling about the place when my mind were flooded with flashes of memories from yesteryears, like a projector changing its vivid colors. I smiled in remembrance and waited eagerly for her, at last, my chance is now. I will make sure, goodbye is out of the way.

“Hello, Pete.”

“Huh!…..Claire! I’m so glad to……,” I stood up and turned around when I heard his voice to face her, opening my arms to envelop her with my hug but stopped in midair, staring at her, so dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe my eyes. She looked so different, so unlike her. I shook my head and closed my eyes, trying to vanish this mirage from my mind, trying so hard to envisioned the girl I’ve known before. No! This can’t be true! This is not happening! My heart is rebelling deep within me.

I opened my eyes once again and there she is standing in front of me, not a mirage but a real live person.

“Claire is that you?!” I asked in disbelief.

“Yes, Pete,” she smiled. “C’mon, why don’t we sit down and talk.”

As I sat down beside her, for the first time since we were together, I felt the stirring of awkwardness creeping inside my heart.

“How are you, Pete?” She asked me gently.

“I’m fine…..I should be the one asking you that question! What happened to you?! Are you sure?! I mean don’t get me wrong….Are you happy?! I’d never thought…..you’ll turned out to be like this!” I babbled, panic rising inside my throat and I forced myself to swallow its bitterness.

“Yes, Pete, I understand how you feel. Things change and so do I. Let’s just say, I was looking for something in my life, some meaning or purpose…. that’s the reason why I was so restless when we were growing up. You’ve seen me go through mischief one after another. I thought that was the answer to my discontent but it all led me to more despair,” She touched my hand resting on the bench and stared through my eyes, “I am happy here, Pete and more at peace. The one thing that I was searching for in my life, the void that no one could fill…..I found it here.”

As I listened to her, my heart froze and cold dread rolled down my spine. I looked at her intently, not ashamed of the pain showing in my eyes, then I saw the happiness boldly written on her face that I’ve never seen before, it was then that I knew, I’ve lost her for good. I felt the ice thawed inside my heart and tears started to gather inside my eyelids, threatening to fall down my face. I swallowed the lump that lodged inside my throat and looked away, trying hard to fight my inner turmoil.

“Don’t you know……I’ve waited for this dream to come true, Claire. A dream that one day, it will be me and you. I let you go, let you quench your wanderlust elsewhere because I thought in the end, my love will prevail and you will come back to me, your best friend and you will realize, it is me all along you are searching for, that we will be more than friends….but I never thought…..you will end up like this.” I stood up and started to blame myself from the searing pain that I, myself, planted.

It’s all my fault! I shouldn’t have been a coward! I should’ve told her what I’ve felt back then! I should’ve taken that risk! I should….

I stiffened when I felt her hand on my shoulder. “No, Pete. Please don’t blame yourself. It’s no one’s fault. We have different directions in life. It’s simply not meant to be. I am destined to be here and you…..for that special woman who will love you the way you dreamed of. Ever since, you knew deep down inside, I couldn’t be that woman, that’s why, it was easy for you to let me go and for me to go away.”

She faced me and held my hand firmly, then she looked deep into my eyes. “In our life, God gave us the will to make our own choices. You chose to built castles in the sand, thinking someday, everything will materialize into reality but with just a blink of an eye, it disappeared from your sight, never to be found again. In my case, I’ve chosen to built a house on a solid ground, never be knocked down by a ferocious storm…..Pete, life is too short to waste it on longing for things that never took place. It’s time for you to let go and face your today. I was in the past, she is your now and your tomorrow. Trust God and live it to the full, giving your all.”

As I stared through her eyes and listened to her soft words, the burden inside my heart lifted up and been carried by the wind. It was then that I understood and realized that I’ve never really loved her like I thought I should. It was just a matter of knowing her all my life that my mind conjured up this image that we will be together and never part. Suddenly, tears cascaded down my face without warning and this time, I couldn’t held it back because it is the tears of freedom not of pain. Freedom from a bondage of a long ago dream that never meant to be in the first place.

As I walked away and looked back, I saw this lady in blue standing in front of a monastery, waving at me. I smiled and waved back, filled with peace and joy that overflows in my heart, remembering that special woman who waited for me to love her.

I’m sorry, Donna, for all the pain. This time, I will love you with all my heart. No more holding back……

Thank you, Sister Claire. Thank you for being a friend. I know, I  will always have a special place in your heart as you are with mine….I love you, best friend….goodbye.

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Jesus  loveyou

In Full Bloom

A very good soil I cultivated
Their in the center buried a tiny seed
Watered, sun shined, sprouted
‘Til a bud forms, beautiful indeed.

Somehow, weeds just came along
Trying to choke the bud from it’s form
There the bud knew she doesn’t belong
From the garden, she thought she conform

“I don’t belong here,” she said to the other
Then, looked up and saw Me, her faithful Gardener
“I’ve separated you, that’s your greatest need
Trust Me, to tend and make you stronger.”

She bowed down, her will to believe
That what I said will truly conceive
She let Me tend her, to grow, to live
I cared for her and I never leave.

Storms came and thus, rocked the bud
She called for help to Me, up above
Blinded, forsaken, feeling so sad
“Can You hear me?” She cried, oh, so starve

Just when she decided to give up
Sunshine crept through the clouds
Me, the Gardener walks down the path
Saw a flower, beaten but oh! So proud

Ah! My dearest magnificent rose I see you’ve grown amid your deepest gloom
I Am contented, to see you arose
I tended you well, now in full bloom

That’s what my heart desires you to be
With inner strength that comes from me
Remember, preparing you eternal way
Ready to be picked-up, to be used more by me

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My Prayer to all Christian

Oh, Lord, grant me this heartfelt request
That in your bosom we find our rest
Never to be move by a sudden tempest
Ready to go and fight, to give our best

Lord, as we Christians follow this narrow road
Help us keep the banner in our hearts of gold
Casting emotions that made our hands fold
Always ready to ignore our flesh and the world

Lord, it’s not easy, you know it’s so true
‘Cause you follow this path before, you knew
In obeying the Father, what we have to go through
But your example will shine in what we’ll do

Lord, let every Christian see you face to face
let your Spirit cover us by your love and grace
Help us to surrender our lives and self-will
Ready to receive what your Spirit indwells

Lord, may we have the passion for you alone
As our hearts cry out for the lost and the unknown
May we share your burden for them and grown
To love them more as you loved us, you sworn

Lord, may our love deepens as we go along
Seeking that place in Heaven upon your throne
Awaiting to be with you where we truly belong
Finally, meeting up to take us to our heavenly home

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Jesus love you ❤

He Knows…..

It was an ordinary busy afternoon while walking towards the Church to go to Mass. The streets were filled with people scurrying around for a ride, walking hurriedly on the pedestrian, leisurely striding on a sidewalk and people sitting comfortably on their air conditioned cars or irritably on public transportations with all the humid air and dust blowing on their faces. My vision were consumed by the ordinariness of everyday life, intent only on the task ahead of me.

Then, in the sudden movement of my head, I stopped and came across the faces of these ordinary people doing their own thing on that busy street and my heart saw some thing that I’ve never seen before and questions filled my soul. It was so vivid, I could hear every heartbeat.

How many of these people knew that they are loved?…..How many of them lived in limbo because they don’t know where to go or what to do?…..How many of them recognized who they are and accepted what they’ve been?…..How many were hurting right now but hiding behind a smile or a mask of indifference?…..How many were in deep trials that they wish only to die rather than to live?…..How many were ready to give everything for the reason of loving?…..How many walked in insecurities, hiding behind the pretense of self-righteousness and false confidence?

As I stood there on the sidewalk, waiting for my turn to cross the street, more questions continued to swirled around my mind……How many of these people had a stance of not caring but in truth, really cares a lot?….. How many were struggling for a living just to get by for a day, not knowing if they have enough for tomorrow?…..How many of them were waiting for the future either in dread or anticipation?…..How many were dying inside because nobody cares if they are alive?…..How many of them have the courage to be vulnerable, to let others see their fears, dreams
and greatest desires?…..How many of them could still tolerate to live in the unfairness of the world and life itself?…..How many wanted or needed to survive just to prolong their life?

I don’t know the answers to my questions. I stood there on the sidewalk speechless, confused and vulnerable. I could hear the ticking of my wounded heart as I tried to perceive who these people really are. And somehow, I could only perceive a little, just a fraction of their entire substance and a whole lot of mine. I will never know the enormity of their situations. My perception is vague, like a colored glass on a table, unclear but focused yet looking at the outside.

These sense of vagueness points me to the One who I know, knew everything. The complexity of man’s life didn’t deterred Him from changing His glorious throne for a mere stable in order to live here on earth and died on the Cross for the cause of love. A love that He only can give us….unconditionally without reservations.

Then, sadness crept into my heart as one last question dawned inside my head…..How many of these people knew that Someone loved them so much He chose to die for their sins, forgetting His Kingly attributes just to save His beloved?…..That, also, I don’t know.

All I know is that He knows. He saw the need. He saw the desperation, the facade, the hunger and He knows He could fill them, heal them, purify them and give them new beginnings. Deep inside, I craved for them to know and I prayed that they will accept Him. A choice that they need to do if they only knew…..

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Jesus love you ❤
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In the Midst of it All

Uncertainties is a constant companion. The longing of my heart seems to expand as I look at the horizon and cannot see what lies ahead. The clouds are hovering beneath the lashes of my eyes, thinking, what’s next? What’s up?

Vividly, I seem to recall the things that were laid out to me in avid kaleidoscope of yesteryears mistakes, triumphs, pains, happiness and other things in between. Regret is a temporary temptation that continues to lure me to face the truth of things that I did in cowardice or false bravado.

I decided to no longer want to ponder on uncertainties that continues to obscure the views of my destiny nor to play along with my regrets and give him the upper hand of my yesterdays.

Today is my time. A valuable asset that will open doors of opportunities to flood my tomorrows and blocking my past from intruding once again, giving me a chance and prodding me to move, to gain, to hope, to dream once more.

In the midst of it all, My God is my eyes, my ears, my voice. He sees, He hears, He speaks and it came to pass. He knows, He ponders, He waits…

For in the midst of it all, without preamble, I, on my part, must simply trust and submit that He is God Almighty…
“And the Word became flesh…”

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Jesus love you ❤

Contentment

I was riding a public transportation and since it has a mirror in front of me, I spotted my face full of blemishes and pimples marring my so-called beauty. I suddenly felt so ugly, insecure and irritably diverted my eyes and instead found myself staring at the young man across me.

As I looked at him, he ashamedly averted his eyes and consciously hid his right hand under the handkerchief on top of it. But before he could hide it completely, I saw a glimpsed of the two fingers, the pointer and middle ones, look like a stump on his hand.

I felt compassion welled inside my heart and suddenly felt silly with the insecurity that conjured up inside my mind. Here I am complaining about my face when so many out there lack some limbs or have disabilities and they have more confidence than me. I feel ashamed of my narrow-minded countenance and prayed for this young man that in his situation, he will not focus on what he look like but on the goodness of his heart and will be filled with love and acceptance from the people who were closest to him and most especially find that he is  unconditionally loved by God, our Father. I further prayed that he will gain confidence more and more as he battle the journey of life with its accompanied unfairness and prejudices.

As he lifted up his head and our eyes met, I smiled at him with reassurance, telling him in my small way that it’s okay, you don’t need to hide your disability. You are not condemn but accepted. He smiled back at me with more confidence than before and from that one brief moment, we both silently communicated his confidence and my acceptance.

I haven’t known his name nor he knows mine but in that instance, I knew I found a new friend. He taught me the lesson of contentment, of accepting our own weaknesses or lack thereof, of not condemning nor deriding those people with disabilities because we too have our own idiosyncrasies. It may not be physical but definitely, it is deep within us that few people can see.

From that time on, every time I think about him, I always lifted up prayers in Heaven, thanking the Lord for all my brethren with disabilities because they are more braver than me. There disabilities didn’t deter them from living the life that God intended for them to do and they do much more than I can. I salute there courage and strength. I am sure it is a gift from God that no able-bodied men can do, they do it supernaturally.

Life is full of disabilities. It is a choice whether we face it headlong and do something about it in our advantage or make it an excuse to do nothing at all and just be contented to sit down in a corner of our made-up world, blaming everyone around us. As for me, I chose the former one.

As I looked once again in the mirror in front of me, I haven’t seen the blemishes on my face nor the ugliness that I thought goes with it but instead saw a beautiful woman who chose to be contented and confident because her God is pleased with her. I smiled at myself with reassurance and acceptance and in that brief moment, me and that beautiful woman in the mirror had an understanding of sort that nobody ever knew.

Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; the woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

Proverbs 31:30

But the Lord said to Samuel: ‘Do not judge from his appearance or from his lofty stature, because I have rejected him. Not as man sees does God see, because man sees the appearance but the Lord looks into the heart.'”

1 Samuel 16:7

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Jesus love you ❤

The Downside

Things happen for a reason, that’s what they say, but for a person who is at her lowest, the reason is so far away. The only thing in her mind is, why is this happening to me?

People tend to forget to rejoice when the going gets tough because it is simply hard to. The question “why” is a mantra that keeps on booming around your head, mocking you to think, of all people, “why me? ”

Then, self-pity comes in, taunting you, making you feel so small that you thought that you’re the most pitiable creature on earth who doesn’t deserve even a trickle of happiness in this world.

You start to blame others, the circumstances, even God, the weather or the curtain in your room just to appease the pain and the disappointments you feel inside. To somehow make sense in the senseless circumstances that you are going through.

The process is agonizing, sometimes, too downright scary to be true but then, it is there, it is real. But in the inmost recesses of your brain, you knew, this is part of life. A life with its ups and downs. A fitting reminder that we are still alive and breathing.

When life became a straight line then that’s where the problem lies, we simply stop living, hoping, loving, losing, crying, hurting so on and so forth. We simply cease to exist and that’s another word for dying.

During this time of lowliness, when life just kick me on my butt and left me crawling in the mud, there is one thing I always do, I just keep still and know that He is God. He promised in His Word that there is no temptation or trials beyond that I can’t take and He will never leave me nor forsake me. And as far as my past keeps on reminding me, ( mind you, a past that I welcome ), He never fail on His promises.

As I took a deep breath after I finished writing this midget reflection, it made me smile. I felt my chest expanded, heard my heart beating and I thank God, I’m still alive 🙂

Breathe, my friend….you’re still living….you’ll see, everything will be alright….

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Jesus love you ❤