Archive | April 2015

Feeling Trapped

I just got back from my OBGYNE ( Obstetrics-Gynecologist) and she told me some bad news. I might have the possibility of not having some kids and since I am now in my early forties, single, sexually inactive ( not even once ), this diagnosis is rather grim to me.

I went home thinking I’ll be okay since I’m not fond of kids anyway but when I entered my room, I just felt so lost and hurt that I cried a silent tears. So many questions entered my mind.

Am I wrong to wait for that one true love? To choose to preserve my virginity? To emersed myself in serving the Lord through all these years? Is it the Lord so unfair when any promiscuous person could have this ovarian cysts but why me who chose to be pure for Him? Did I wasted my life in doing His will and ended up this way?

I don’t know. I really don’t know….. All I know is that I’m hurting. My heart is aching so much, I don’t want reality to sink in. I want to pray but I can’t. I am lost for words and I decided to just cry and cry and cry…..

Tomorrow…..God only knows…..

For today…..I chose to trust Him….

No more questions, just trust….. Lord, help me!

Four days after…..

I went back to God’s promises and in this moment, I hope again 🙂

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Jesus love you ❤

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Short-sightedness

I woke up in a dread. It seems like the whole world is closing down on me and I can’t barely breathe. I feel suffocated. Panic is lurking just around the corner and thoughts of giving up is swirling around my head, enticing me to a world of darkness and hopelessness. I’ve been fighting this kind of emotion for the last few days, ignoring this panicky feeling and somehow, I was victorious but today, the pull is much stronger than the push and for a time, it suck me down the drain and I thought I couldn’t get out of it anymore.

Thank God for the power of prayer.

Thank God for His grace.

As I sat alone in my room, spouting every single problems that I have, every need in my heart that is consuming me that when I think about it, my head just couldn’t figure out what to do, my heart lifted up and found myself severing the feeling of suffocation and I hope again.

I never thought that for the past few days I let shortsightedness got the better of me. I let it grip my heart to the point that I lost my goal, my dream, my perspective. Thank God, He rescued me in the nick of time.

I am now breathing easily. My mind is now free to roam again and dream. My positive outlook draws me to be excited again of my future, of what lies ahead, knowing that God is preparing a future that is full of hope, the future that I dreamed of.

I asked pardon to my God of my own shortsightedness, of not trusting, of not believing. This is another lesson in my life of not worrying. The Lord will never forsake me nor abandon me. He is my yesterday, my today and definitely, my tomorrow and no one can take that away from me as long as I push my narrow mindedness away, everything will gonna be okay.

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Jesus love you ❤